My New Truth about Motherhood

Today I found out I am pregnant again. My body will once again create life. Am I excited? Yes! We are over the moon and thankful to be so blessed. We call everyone and tell the good news. The joy for me is somewhat short lived for as I look at myself in the mirror that night a fear creeps into my thoughts. I look at myself and wonder what will this baby do to my body? Will I bounce back as quickly as I did with my first?

This worry followed me my entire pregnancy as I grew bigger and bigger. I did think of the miracle growing inside me and that I was literally creating a new life. I knew it was a wondrous thing but my worries of what would happen to my body continued.

The day came that our Lil boy would be born. I weighed 152 pounds, my stomach had stretched outwards to its limits, and my hips had widened significantly. I had stretch marks and my belly button was strangely shaped. I labored for 8 hours and into the world he came weighing 8lbs and 9oz, Screaming and full of life. I did that, I created him. I held him close and gave him the nourishment he needed. I was so happy.

The next few days I spent in comfy jammies and recovered comfortably. All the while I continued to measure my weight loss and study my stomach wondering if the stretch marks would fade or if my belly button would ever look normal again. All the while I feared my body would look different.

I worried my husband may not find me as attractive as he once did. That my breasts would fill to nourish and help our baby grow and then deflate to become something he would no longer desire. That my stomach would stay soft and that my stretch marks would never fade. I feared that my body would never again be what society considered perfect.

And then I read this blog someone shared on my facebook page.
http://weseekjoy.blogspot.com/2013/12/babies-ruin-bodies.html

A blog that was so inspirational it made me stop and realize what I was doing to myself. She spoke of societies expectations and that pregnancy was now not just about a new life but about the "ruin" of a woman's body. This woman changed how I saw everything. My body was not ruined my body was changed yes, but for the better.

 I do not know when we started seeing our bodies in this skewed way after pregnancy but I want it to stop. I want women to see themselves as they should! We are amazing, we are the reason man kind survives. Our bodies are made to change the world and instead of embracing the glorious changes pregnancy brings we try to hide them. we diet and use creams and lotions to no avail. And for what to prove that our beautiful children never grew there? I don't want to erase that memory any longer. I embrace my new body with a new found confidence. When I look in the mirror now I don't see ruin, I see proof of my amazing abilities.

 I am healthy, I am strong, and I am a mother. 

I'm Back

I have decided that I miss blogging. I logged on to blogger for the first time today in almost two years. I'm not even sure I can put into words the amazing things that have occurred to me over my blogger absence. But I will try to sum it up. Ok, ready?

In my most recent post I was finally married to my country boy romeo and we were expecting our first little bundle of joy. So fast forward to today.

We now have two beautiful boys who are full of life and keep me on my toes. Easton is 23 months and Lucas is 3 months. I am a sometimes dysfunctional stay at home mom. My husband works his hiney off for a construction company in the city and I have put off school for the time being. I am making a little money with my lifetime hobby as a  natural lighting photographer.

We live on a farm in a cozy little stone cottage that sits snugly beside a pond. My life is not glamorous but it is full of fun and excitement. Little giggles and running baby feet fill my mornings and my night can often include screaming and sleep fighting. To sum it up this blog will still include my occasional short stories but for the most part will be about my life as a mom. Who would have guessed? Here's a few pictures of my new life.

My Small Town Fairy Tale

 My wedding day was one of the most magical and memorable days of my life. I know most girls dream of that perfect day and I have to brag and say I had that. God truly shined his love down on us that day. I thought I would share some of the pictures. Hope y'all enjoy! :)

Wood Slats and Tears

Staring up at the wooden slats underneath her bed, she listens intently to the sounds coming from outside the bedroom. Did she hear footfalls in the kitchen? Her palms are all sweaty and she can feel her t-shirt sticking to her back. "Please, please don't come in here tonight," she prays, but he usually does. Creeping in like some lion on the prowl to consume its next prey. That's what she was, his prey, something he could use and manipulate. If only I were stronger, she thought, then I could stand up and fight like men do.

She reached for her diary to write down her thoughts when the door to the bedroom opens. She freezes, tucks her legs up praying she was invisible under the bed in the darkness. A sickening feeling pools in her stomach and she fears she will vomit thinking of what will happen if he finds her. He's drunk and smells terrible. He comes closer to her bed and she can hear him touching the blankets trying to find her. Her heart is beating so fast she feared he would hear. Not breathing or moving a muscle she clings to her knees and closes her eyes as the man moves about the room, searching.

He was searching to destroy her, all of her. What could she do? She had to think. Think of something to use to fight him off when he found her. It was hopeless. She always fought but he would win.

He found her then, like he always does, used her up and left her feeling empty.Empty, a big zero, someone no one cared about.

Wisdom Teeth

So I had been told for months that I needed to consider getting my wisdom teeth taken out. My aunt is a dental hygienist and said since they were impacted I needed to get them out asap to avoid any future discomfort.

OK, I thought doesn't sound to bad from how she described it and other friends had told me how easy their surgery went. My fiance recommended a dentist he had gone to and I set up an appointment. To make this story short its been five days since the removal of all four of my wisdom teeth and I just left the dentist office where they had to restitch and pack my bottom right socket. I don't know if any of you all have heard of a dry socket but it's the most painful thing I have experienced so far in my 21 years of life. A dry socket occurs because the blood clot normally expected to occupy the extraction site and initiate its healing has instead been lost. The net result is that the healing of the socket becomes delayed.

I haven't slept good since the surgery. I can't eat anything solid which has caused me to lose weight. I am utterly miserable. Needless to say I really wish I hadn't done this. I cannot wait for the pain to stop so I can eat normal foods again. Especially pizza :)

The Start of Something Great

My fiance and I finally had the time to get some engagement pictures done. We picked the property where we will soon live and eventually build our house and new lives together. Here is a peek at a few.

  

http://www.marchellemosleyphotography.com/ 

 

A Single Moment

I suppose I need to give some updates as to what has been going on since my last blog. In my last blog I wrote about my boyfriend leaving me in Tennessee. I have to admit staying 400 miles away from each other was not ideal. That being said, I now live back in Indiana and am currently planning my wedding. Yes! The love of my life proposed on a sunny Thursday afternoon. Sometimes I find myself reliving that moment. It was a moment every girl dreams of.

I had been in class all morning and hating it. He had arrived late the night before and was at my house laying tile. I couldn't wait for class to end so I could be with him. I drive like crazy to get home. When I pull into the driveway I get out of the car (trying to act nochalant in case he's watching). I walk into the house and expect to see him in the kitchen. He's not there? I call out, "Hey babe, Where are you?" I hear from the back of the house, "In here." I honestly thought he was in the bathroom doing his business if you catch my drift. I walk through the living room and turn the corner that leads to the bedroom. My heart stops. I can't breath. There he is, the man who makes my life have purpose down on one knee, with a box opened in his palm. He's smiling and shaking. I hear the words although they sound faint to my ears, "Will you marry me?" I look at him and say dumbly, "Are you joking?" He laughs nervously and says sweetly, "No i'm not, will you marry me?" Tears fill my eyes and my heart starts to race. I say yes and drop to my knees as he pulls me to him. He starts to cry and he puts the ring on my hand. It's so perfect. That moment was perfect.

GONE

The day is finally here. D day, he leaves me here today. I walk him outside after holding on to him for an hour inside the house. I try to remember everything I can about him, his smell, the way his face looks, the way it feels when his arms are around me, and the way he kisses me. I know in my heart I won't be able to feel or see any of this for at least a month. At this moment I feel like a knife has been shoved into my chest. I do not want him to drive away. We stand beside his truck in the yard clinging to each other, my cheek is against his cheek and I am holding on with all my might. I suddenly feel wetness on my cheek. I pull back to see tears coming from his beautiful blue eyes, my heart is full of love for this man. I begin to cry tears of happiness. He loves me as much as I love him! I feel as if I can fly off this earth. He feels the pain I feel at the thought of leaving. I hug him even tighter if that's possible. I don't ever want to lose this feeling. We kiss a hundred times more, and he begins to climb into his truck. I hold onto his hand and he pulls me against him again like he never wants to let me go and I don't ever want him to. I know he must go, and so does he. After another couple minutes of kissing and crying we finally part and he shuts the door. As he pulls away he takes my heart with him.

The Dip Spit Disaster....

I am the first to admit when I am wrong in a situation, but I pride myself on being right. So I finally have a story where I made a complete fool of myself over a Styrofoam cup. 


It all begins when my love, Jared, gets off work last Tuesday evening. We had made plans to go hang out at a friends house, so after eating dinner we pile into the truck. We're having nice conversation driving down the road when I look down and see a small Styrofoam cup sitting in the console sporting a huge lipstick print on it. My mind automatically jumps to conclusions. First I know good and well I don't put my lips on Styrofoam cups nor do I buy that small size at the gas station. So, I question him about it. He immediately says I have no idea and starts getting angry. To me this is him acting as if he's guilty of something. 


Well I give him all I got, yelling and screaming at him all the time thinking he has been cheating on me. Jared is getting more and more angry as well, screaming back at me. Then he says something that cuts straight to my heart. He says, "Why don't you just go home!" 


Now let me remind you I moved to Indiana in February of this year from my home town in Tennessee to be with Jared and for him to say he wants me to go back cut me to the core. I'm so upset he said that it just fuels my anger!


Then I decide to investigate the cup all in my own stupidity. I start to look into the cup full of dip spit to try and see what kind of drink was in it before because I knew if it was coke it most certainly was not my cup. As I tip the cup up to look Jared hits a huge pot hole and the dip spit spills all down my front! It spills into my hair and on my coach bag! I couldn't believe it for a second and was shocked, I hate dipping and the smell was horrid. I feel like crying and screaming all at the same time. My anger is way up on there at this point. 


He hands me a rag so I can wipe myself off and begins to turn around to take me back home to change, I calmly ask him again who the cup belongs to, believing with all my might that he knows and just won't tell me. Then he suddenly bursts out, "IT'S YOURS!!" 


My mind does a flip flop and I remember now where the damn cup came from. It was mine from a birthday party we went to that previous weekend. I was humiliated on the spot for reacting the way I did. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless for Jared in that moment. I was wrong for once and he was right to my shame. 


When we get back to the house I'm on the verge of tears and I walk in and tell Jared's family what happened and begin to laugh and cry hysterically. How could I have not remembered that cup was mine and why did I want to believe Jared was cheating? 


I'm just glad I could admit I was wrong when need be. I'm also extremely glad he was not cheating for it truly would have broke my heart. However he will not let me live down that day and I am still apologizing for yelling at him for no reason. This situation made me realize maybe sometimes we should believe our man.

Another Journey

I haven't blogged for awhile and I honestly don't have any excuse as to why I haven't except laziness. haha. I recently quit my part time job at Ann Taylor's The Loft and the past couple weeks I have been completely useless. However that was my plan. I wanted nothing to do for the most part of my summer. I was sick of working and school and am having mental health day after mental health day! It's wonderful and also boring for someone like me who is used to being constantly on the go. I only have about two and a half weeks left in Indiana with my boyfriend Jared and his family. Indiana has grown on me and I must admit I'm pretty sad about leaving.

However, I recieved some of the best news the other week. My uncle has bought this cute house and offered for me to rent it from him! I was so stoked. I will have my very own place and the best part is I can now abandon my search for an apartment. I will still have to find a roomate but still it takes a big load off. I can't wait to decorate and make it mine! Its a new step in a direction I have been wanting to take in quite awhile. I start back at school soon and pray my life will stay together and not unravel as it has in the past. I want things to go smoothly for once in my life. I feel that this summer has really changed me for the better, I am stronger as a person. This new journey, as I like to call it, will be a positive one!

The Spirit of a Child

Lately I've been working for a summer program at a local Elementary School. I was so happy at the amount of enjoyment I have begun to experience. I have always known since I was a little girl that I wanted to work with kids. I used to play teacher in my Meme's laundry room. I admit as well I played with baby dolls. Anyway, my passion has always been to work in some field where I would be surrounded by children. After these past couple of weeks I have realized even more how much working with youth means to me. Its sort of like they bring a light into my heart. When I'm with them all the problems in my life seem to dissipate.

The group of kids I spent last week with were amazing. They begun to amuse me by saying I talked in a western style, haha, then once I explained where I was from they started calling me Tennessee girl. I smiled and laughed a lot. They always said the funniest things. I am sad that it's over but it really got me thinking about where I want to work once I finish college. Right now I'm stuck between a dental hygienist working in pediatrics, a respiratory therapist in peds, and a elementary school teacher. I know those seem all very different but they are all jobs I think I might enjoy. I hate not knowing what to choose. I wish I could see into the future and know if my choices were the correct ones. Only time will tell I guess!

The Door Leads to Nothingness....

Floating

Light pours over her closed eyes causing her to winch from the pain of it. Eyes tired from lack of sleep glide open and stare at the new day through blinds on a hospital window. Her already sore body moves out of the uncomfortable position it had been in, sitting up slowly, the broken chair slides almost dumping her on the floor. The smell of hospital food and vomit feels her nostrils. She see's the sleeping figure beside her and wrenches her hand from his, moving it to get back some feeling in its numb fingers. While doing this one of the many doctors strolls in with his charts and wakes the sleeping patient. They all look the same. A nonchalant face means bad news.

After the doctor leaves chaos breaks out in the cramped hospital room. Her heart aches for him and she reaches out to touch his hand, in which at that moment he turns on her, "This is your fault! Why did you not wake me up so I could be more prepared, I'm sick of this!" With that being screamed at her, he then becomes irritated at the hair falling on his neck. This sends him into a fit all its own. Crying and screaming, pulling out his hair in the hand fulls. She wants so badly to know what to do, how to ease his pain, but nothing she can think of will change this.

He finally gives in and allows his head to be shaved. He tells her he feels like an alien and begins avoiding the mirrors.  She begins to feel trapped and alone, helpless to how things will end up. She walks down the long corridor to the restroom at the end, her only place to be alone, and cries. Inside she feels like screaming and throwing a fit of her own but with what purpose?

The days begin to run together, she asked him again if she can go home for a little while with only the same response, "Do you want to leave me? Please, don't go." She can not leave without causing him more pain. She thinks of herself as only floating by, nothing makes much sense anymore, everything is dull. The sickness he is experiencing only worsens along with his moods and attitude towards others. She tries to make things light and enjoyable in the moments when things seem better but he only gets angrier. So, yet again the word floating comes to her mind. She will just float along and hope for a break. One small break, her chance to be set free.

Letting Go

I have spent the majority of my dating life in a serious relationship. This last relationship has really been a tough one to go through, I was with my ex for 3 years this past Christmas and in June of last year he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Two weeks before he was diagnosed I had broken up with him for the hundreth time it seemed, in hopes of finding myself and scrounging up the strength to move on. However the cancer was a shock and he was immediately rushed into surgery to remove the tumor in his spine. He called me as soon as he heard from the hospital.

Let me go back. I was attending summer classes at the time he was diagnosed and was on the fast track to a two year pre-dental hygiene associates degree. When I got the call I was about to take my first exam of the Anatomy and physiology II class. I had just completed the first of that class and was looking forward to getting it done. My ex changed everything. From the minute he called me begging me to come to the hospital I was scared. I finished my test as quickly as I could and drove like a bat out of hell to get to his side. Let me remind you I was still a very confused 19 year old, getting herself into something that was way over her head. Little did I know that I would end up spending 6 months at his beck and call, doing whatever I could to help him fight this terrible disease. I ended up dropping out of the Anatomy and Physiology course that summer to be with my ex during his time of need. It put me behind.

I had always tried to be an upbeat, outgoing, funny girl, but this situation took its toll on me as a person. I love my ex and am the kind of person that if I care for someone I will do whatever it takes to help them in any situation. That's what I did. I devoted myself to getting him better. I blamed myself and thought maybe if I would have stayed with him this wouldn't of happened. In my past bad things always seemed to find me whenever I tried being completely selfish. So I did whatever was asked of me. I lived at UT hospital. I gave him baths, helped him use the bathroom when he couldn't clean himself up, took his insults, and slept night after night in an uncomfortable hospital chair. He was going through something horrible and I had to or at least I felt I had to. I just wanted him to get better. I would lay in that chair at night and wish as hard as I could that it would all go away for him. He was only 20 years old, he shouldn't be dealing with this sort of thing. I prayed and asked God what to do.

When no answers came I began to experience a sense of hopelessness. A depression took hold of me. I didn't enjoy life anymore, I felt alone and betrayed. I had no way out, so thoughts of suicide started to creep in like a disease. I just wanted the pain I felt for my ex and the sadness all around me to disapear.

The beginning of that summer in May, before my ex was ill with cancer, I had went to visit my mom in Indiana. She recently had moved there to be with her new husband. My little brother moved with her so I was excited for a little vacation. While there I quickly realized how boring this little bitty town could be. I was desperate for someone my age to hang out with. Long story short I was introduced to a country cowboy. Ha, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would meet a cowboy in the North. Anyway he worked with my step-dad and had offered to show me how to drive a stick. A friendship bloomed.

Truth be told he was the only thing that kept me from committing suicide on several occasions. I would decide to just give up and my phone would light up with a message from the cowboy I met. Giving me hope and making me laugh. He saved me in so many ways. I never wanted to hurt my ex or lie to him. I felt trapped in the twisted relationship we had. I was sick over it. I felt like a horrible person for falling for someone else while my ex lay in a hospital bed fighting a disease that was overtaking his body. I fought so hard to keep my feelings away for the cowboy. I even told him to leave me alone numerous times. I didn't want to hurt my ex in any way. I felt I would be hurting  him more, and for some reason he didn't want to let me go. So I let him hold on.

Eventually I continued talking to the cowboy yet again because that feeling of hoplessness kept taking over. He was the only thing that kept me out of that dark hole. I fell for him after telling my ex I still felt the same way I did before he got sick. We broke up but he still wanted me at the hospital. I stayed for two more months before finally making a decision for myself. I needed out, I was sad all the time and my depression was only getting worse. When the clouds lifted after christmas I took it as my chance to leave. I decided to go visit my mom and get away, in my mind thinking I had to get away for my own health. The entire time I drove away from that hospital I cried. I cried for my ex, I cried for every person I had met going through such a horrible time in there lives, I cried for myself and the person I was becoming, and I cried for my lost faith in God.

I was even more confused than I had ever been. Indiana was my way out. The only way I could think of to get myself out of the situation I found myself in. So I ran.

This past weekend I finally told my ex that I was seeing someone else. He didn't take it so well and that broke my heart. I hate hurting other people, especially someone going through what he is. I now find myself at another cross road. I'm still unsure what my decisions will do for my future but all I can do is try, try to find myself and let go of my past. He told me I was a bad person for what I did to him and that cut me to the core. All the things I did for him that hurt me during those three years meant nothing. I still feel hurt when I look back on what I did and all I gave up. I tried to be a good person. I pray for my ex every day and hope with all my heart that he beats cancer. I know I couldn't do it for him. You may think of me as a bad person, and many do. But I did what was best for myself and there was no shame in that. I want to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted.

I guess this blog is just a way for me to get out the feelings I have after the hurtful things my ex said to me this weekend. We all deserve happiness and that sometimes comes after hurting someone else. Life is not an easy thing.

Laura J. Watkins Photography

F*ck College!

I really need to vent right now so this post will be dedicated to all the freaking idiot professor's out there who are spending their time as teachers making students lives a living hell! I have been in college for two years now after this semester, which is ending in the next couple of weeks. In that time I have dealt with every kind of professor. I have experienced the horny, moody, whiny, and hilarious. The one I want to refer to however, is the moody! How is it that you can be a teacher and do things just to have the intentions of making things all the more harder on the student? It is not enough that you made the statement already of how you do not believe in giving A's. Who says that? If I deserve a f**king A, I better receive that grade!

So to explain what caused this little tangent, I first had to define the sort of professor I was dealing with. Today I devoted my time to completing a history paper that I though was to be wrote on the Cold War. Well let's just say I was wrong. The topic was instead supposed to be on the "New World Order". I had just spent the majority of my day writing a paper on the wrong damn topic. This paper I should add is due at midnight. Alright, if that wasn't enough I then begin to write about the new topic (stressing out the whole time mind you), I get quite excited because I realize it has to do with a lot of the conspiracy theories surrounding the government taking complete control of the American people. I am writing and realizing happily that at the rate I'm going I will be able to finish.

I do finish with two in a half hours to spare! I then start to review my paper, making corrections and cleaning up the rough draft. While doing this I always review what the professor wanted out of the paper. This is when my night takes another devastating turn. I find an email saying how my a**hole professor wants nothing to do with conspiracy theories in the paper (let's just say at this point, I lower my head and say obscene things under my breath). Being the trooper that I am, I compose myself and begin searching for something else I could write about in the amount of time I have left. I work my little butt off and right at 11:30 I believe I have it finished! I review again and then I see a new email flashing, I click and read this --

Students,
I have had several 'freaking out' emails over the past few days so I am going to extend the due date for the DWO paper to the 18th. This will allow everyone a few more days to complete or edit their papers.


To put it nicely I get so pissed at this point I want to step outside and scream at the top of my lungs! I would have never thought that the one time I don't think he will give me a break, he does. So to conclude this rant I say, "F*CK YOU COLLEGE!!"

Protestors against Homosexuality Paper

I wrote this paper for my sociology class and thought I would share it with you guys and get your opinion on the matter.

The recent news of a small Kansas church group protesting at United States service member’s funerals has brought nationwide attention recently. The members of Topeka-based Westboro Baptist Church believe that God is punishing the United States for “the sin of homosexuality” through events such as soldiers’ deaths. The members have been known to be loud and extremely offensive to the grieving family members near memorial services and burials. CNN News Supreme Court Producer wrote of the members displaying homemade signs saying things such as, “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and “God Blew Up the Troops.” This is an extreme way of these individuals taking social action. They truly believe that by protesting homosexuality at these events that it will change the way American’s look at the rights of Gay individuals. By them making such statements as, “America is Doomed” and “God hates fags”, they are sending a huge message to other religious people who are against homosexuality saying that this violent action is the right way to express their beliefs. The news has shown more attention to the protesters acts at military funerals but this group has also been known to picket gay churches and gay weddings. These protests are one in a sea of many throughout America against the Gay community.

Since this has to do with religious beliefs it can have a huge effect on society. Since religion creates social solidarity the values, rules, and norms are set by this experience and gives different cultures the basis for how there world works. For some reason these individuals believe God is punishing them for allowing homosexuality into our world and ultimately our culture. Since all of us try to understand the world and what are parts are in it, religion plays a big part in that understanding. Since the United States is still largely a religious country, people are looking for guidance within a church community. The members of this radical church group are speaking out and gaining followers. They are traveling throughout the country and participating in hundreds of protest to; as they say to demonstrate their freedom of speech. But where is the line drawn between privacy rights for grieving families and the free rights of demonstrators? Even with their provocative and disturbing messages the courts aren’t sure who has more of a right.

The message these members are sending into society has created a mass of outraged citizens. In result of the story about the protesters harassing military families a volunteer group has formed called the “Patriot Guard Riders”, this group of more than 400 motorcycle riders showed up to make certain that the funeral of Sgt. Jessie Davila was not overshadowed by the protesters. Davila’s mother spoke out about the protesters saying that these individuals were, “killing the American Dream – they won’t be around very long, because nobody’s going to let them.” Kansas City News reported another mourner speaking out at a funeral being protested making the statement that, “They shouldn’t protest the funeral for a man who was out there dying to protect the rights that they’re demanding they receive.”

The act of dishonoring American Soldiers funerals in regards to homosexuality has astounded many Americans. It seems this group’s radical message and choice of where to protest is causing and outrage in American society. People are coming together to stand up against these protesters and stop the harassment of military families. No matter what their message may be, the members of this Church are possibly causing a big change in many societies nationwide, more than a dozen states are now considering passing laws that would prohibit protesting at funerals.

These protestors are trying to change the way society looks at homosexuality, trying to change what’s already begun to change in respect to the gay communities in America. Society is beginning to accept these individuals and give them the rights they deserve. The movement to stop homosexuality is ridiculous. America is changing, and what these protesters do not realize is that we will protect each other. For some reason this religious organization believes God is punishing America for allowing homosexuals to have rights, this movement is so familiar to that of the civil rights movement it’s scary. A large part of the country is fighting to keep gays from having rights in society and another large part is fighting to allow them that right. The Gay Rights Movement is just another change in the face of society. To be a free country we have to allow individuals the right to be free to make their own choices, no matter what our personal beliefs.

Links to the WebSites referred to...


http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/03/08/homosexuality.protest/index.html

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/06/btsc.lavandrera.funerals/index.html

http://www.kmbc.com/news/4816699/detail.html

A Disappointed Heart

It's a beautiful spring day, with a cool breeze blowing through my hair. I ask you to take me somewhere thinking we could be alone for awhile. You comply and we decide to go for a walk. As we are walking I am starring at your back, willing you to say something, anything. Wishing with all my heart you would turn around and take me into your arms and kiss me silly. But you don't. You continue to ignore my need for your touch. As I walk behind you I search for the mushrooms that you are so diligently looking for, wondering what I did to cause this distance between us. 

You turn and look at me, I freeze feeling your eyes lock with mine. I long to hear something sweet and sincere, words that would make this feeling disappear, but instead I hear, "This is our honey pot, I don't understand their are usually tons here." I feel my want shatter. I try to make myself reason, thinking he's just a man, he does not understand me. How can I be angry at something he does not understand? I kick myself for being just a silly girl believing in true love and romance. You search on ahead of me as I fight this inner battle with myself. Eventually I give up and decide my scheme of getting you alone had fell flat. Then it hit me! What if I ran up to you and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Hey notice me!" I'm sure that would have an effect. Of course it would only make me look like an idiot so I immediately scratch the thought. 

Then I hear your phone ring. You are talking to someone about playing cards tonight. Again I can't help but feel the disappointment creep into my heart. You are going to leave again for the third night. I turn and begin to walk back. I hear you call out to me asking where I am going. I just keep walking, wanting nothing but to be alone until I can mask my disappointment. I push my way through the tree limbs and bushes, angry at myself the whole way. I knew better than to think it would be different this time, but yet I still held on to the hope that I would somehow find what was missing. You follow behind me and I can hear the worry in your voice. I don't know how to make you understand so I decide then and there that I give up. I give up on all these false hopes and dreams. They only lead to disappointment. With this realized, I know it will never be the same.  

The Lonely Dog Lady....

I have been trying to write about something every weekday but today I haven't much inspiration. A suggestion was made that I write about something that makes me happy, meaning all my other posts are unhappy I guess. So hear it goes......

In some of my past blogs I wrote about things that took place in the past, my past wasn't always happy. I didn't see as many smiles as I do today now that I am trying to in some ways to grow up. Independence has always been my goal. My dream was to become a successful individual, meet a handsome well rounded guy, get married, build my fantasy house, and have me some babies. That's probably not a very uncommon dream. Many young girls raised in Tennessee hope for this sort of future life. Although some seem to skip the part about being successful as their own person from the start. I however have that particular goal as number one on my list. I swore to myself awhile back that I would never, ever have to depend on a man for anything. I wanted my life to be stable without the help of the opposite sex. This was before I realized that underneath my hard, independent woman persona, I actually wanted what most girls growing up in the south want. A man who will love me, whisk me away to marry and take care of me.

I try so hard to keep that hidden wish inside locked away. In a way it's a wall I put up to avoid getting hurt. I have been hurt by almost every man that has ever stepped foot into my life. But now I am starting to feel that wall break down. I find myself wanting to allow someone in. This feeling is so strange to me, in the past I can put somewhat of a mask on in front of men who try to get to know me. I don't know how other women feel but men scare the shit out of me. They can get into your head and your heart so easily, then turn and pull you apart inside.

But back to what makes me happy, right now in my life I have found something or better yet someone who makes me happy. Not my fake persona happy but inside for the first time in quite awhile I feel happy. A feeling and experience I never wanted to find with a man. I am terrified. I want to let myself be happy but I keep thinking in the back of my head, what if? He, however, makes me want to let down my walls and finally let someone in. Let him in, but with what cost?

I have begun to recently reevaluate my life:

I read a quote the other day by Helen Keller. She said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." I don't want my life to be nothing. I want to be adventurous and free like I wanted to be when I was young. My reevaluation has made me realize that the way I had decided to live my life, was not living. It was hiding from it. I was just a scared individual afraid of someone hurting me. My past is my past. I need to live life not live in fear of it. It seems fear is my weakness and it is a weakness I intend to overcome. Ha ha. I feel like I am giving myself a pep talk in some way. I don't want someone to say, "hey what makes you happy", and me have no idea what that is. That question today sparked something inside me. I just hope I can beat this and allow people into my life because if I don't I will lose that dream. I will ultimately become a lonely independent woman with nothing but her dogs. :-(