GONE

The day is finally here. D day, he leaves me here today. I walk him outside after holding on to him for an hour inside the house. I try to remember everything I can about him, his smell, the way his face looks, the way it feels when his arms are around me, and the way he kisses me. I know in my heart I won't be able to feel or see any of this for at least a month. At this moment I feel like a knife has been shoved into my chest. I do not want him to drive away. We stand beside his truck in the yard clinging to each other, my cheek is against his cheek and I am holding on with all my might. I suddenly feel wetness on my cheek. I pull back to see tears coming from his beautiful blue eyes, my heart is full of love for this man. I begin to cry tears of happiness. He loves me as much as I love him! I feel as if I can fly off this earth. He feels the pain I feel at the thought of leaving. I hug him even tighter if that's possible. I don't ever want to lose this feeling. We kiss a hundred times more, and he begins to climb into his truck. I hold onto his hand and he pulls me against him again like he never wants to let me go and I don't ever want him to. I know he must go, and so does he. After another couple minutes of kissing and crying we finally part and he shuts the door. As he pulls away he takes my heart with him.

The Dip Spit Disaster....

I am the first to admit when I am wrong in a situation, but I pride myself on being right. So I finally have a story where I made a complete fool of myself over a Styrofoam cup. 


It all begins when my love, Jared, gets off work last Tuesday evening. We had made plans to go hang out at a friends house, so after eating dinner we pile into the truck. We're having nice conversation driving down the road when I look down and see a small Styrofoam cup sitting in the console sporting a huge lipstick print on it. My mind automatically jumps to conclusions. First I know good and well I don't put my lips on Styrofoam cups nor do I buy that small size at the gas station. So, I question him about it. He immediately says I have no idea and starts getting angry. To me this is him acting as if he's guilty of something. 


Well I give him all I got, yelling and screaming at him all the time thinking he has been cheating on me. Jared is getting more and more angry as well, screaming back at me. Then he says something that cuts straight to my heart. He says, "Why don't you just go home!" 


Now let me remind you I moved to Indiana in February of this year from my home town in Tennessee to be with Jared and for him to say he wants me to go back cut me to the core. I'm so upset he said that it just fuels my anger!


Then I decide to investigate the cup all in my own stupidity. I start to look into the cup full of dip spit to try and see what kind of drink was in it before because I knew if it was coke it most certainly was not my cup. As I tip the cup up to look Jared hits a huge pot hole and the dip spit spills all down my front! It spills into my hair and on my coach bag! I couldn't believe it for a second and was shocked, I hate dipping and the smell was horrid. I feel like crying and screaming all at the same time. My anger is way up on there at this point. 


He hands me a rag so I can wipe myself off and begins to turn around to take me back home to change, I calmly ask him again who the cup belongs to, believing with all my might that he knows and just won't tell me. Then he suddenly bursts out, "IT'S YOURS!!" 


My mind does a flip flop and I remember now where the damn cup came from. It was mine from a birthday party we went to that previous weekend. I was humiliated on the spot for reacting the way I did. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless for Jared in that moment. I was wrong for once and he was right to my shame. 


When we get back to the house I'm on the verge of tears and I walk in and tell Jared's family what happened and begin to laugh and cry hysterically. How could I have not remembered that cup was mine and why did I want to believe Jared was cheating? 


I'm just glad I could admit I was wrong when need be. I'm also extremely glad he was not cheating for it truly would have broke my heart. However he will not let me live down that day and I am still apologizing for yelling at him for no reason. This situation made me realize maybe sometimes we should believe our man.

Another Journey

I haven't blogged for awhile and I honestly don't have any excuse as to why I haven't except laziness. haha. I recently quit my part time job at Ann Taylor's The Loft and the past couple weeks I have been completely useless. However that was my plan. I wanted nothing to do for the most part of my summer. I was sick of working and school and am having mental health day after mental health day! It's wonderful and also boring for someone like me who is used to being constantly on the go. I only have about two and a half weeks left in Indiana with my boyfriend Jared and his family. Indiana has grown on me and I must admit I'm pretty sad about leaving.

However, I recieved some of the best news the other week. My uncle has bought this cute house and offered for me to rent it from him! I was so stoked. I will have my very own place and the best part is I can now abandon my search for an apartment. I will still have to find a roomate but still it takes a big load off. I can't wait to decorate and make it mine! Its a new step in a direction I have been wanting to take in quite awhile. I start back at school soon and pray my life will stay together and not unravel as it has in the past. I want things to go smoothly for once in my life. I feel that this summer has really changed me for the better, I am stronger as a person. This new journey, as I like to call it, will be a positive one!

The Spirit of a Child

Lately I've been working for a summer program at a local Elementary School. I was so happy at the amount of enjoyment I have begun to experience. I have always known since I was a little girl that I wanted to work with kids. I used to play teacher in my Meme's laundry room. I admit as well I played with baby dolls. Anyway, my passion has always been to work in some field where I would be surrounded by children. After these past couple of weeks I have realized even more how much working with youth means to me. Its sort of like they bring a light into my heart. When I'm with them all the problems in my life seem to dissipate.

The group of kids I spent last week with were amazing. They begun to amuse me by saying I talked in a western style, haha, then once I explained where I was from they started calling me Tennessee girl. I smiled and laughed a lot. They always said the funniest things. I am sad that it's over but it really got me thinking about where I want to work once I finish college. Right now I'm stuck between a dental hygienist working in pediatrics, a respiratory therapist in peds, and a elementary school teacher. I know those seem all very different but they are all jobs I think I might enjoy. I hate not knowing what to choose. I wish I could see into the future and know if my choices were the correct ones. Only time will tell I guess!

The Door Leads to Nothingness....

Floating

Light pours over her closed eyes causing her to winch from the pain of it. Eyes tired from lack of sleep glide open and stare at the new day through blinds on a hospital window. Her already sore body moves out of the uncomfortable position it had been in, sitting up slowly, the broken chair slides almost dumping her on the floor. The smell of hospital food and vomit feels her nostrils. She see's the sleeping figure beside her and wrenches her hand from his, moving it to get back some feeling in its numb fingers. While doing this one of the many doctors strolls in with his charts and wakes the sleeping patient. They all look the same. A nonchalant face means bad news.

After the doctor leaves chaos breaks out in the cramped hospital room. Her heart aches for him and she reaches out to touch his hand, in which at that moment he turns on her, "This is your fault! Why did you not wake me up so I could be more prepared, I'm sick of this!" With that being screamed at her, he then becomes irritated at the hair falling on his neck. This sends him into a fit all its own. Crying and screaming, pulling out his hair in the hand fulls. She wants so badly to know what to do, how to ease his pain, but nothing she can think of will change this.

He finally gives in and allows his head to be shaved. He tells her he feels like an alien and begins avoiding the mirrors.  She begins to feel trapped and alone, helpless to how things will end up. She walks down the long corridor to the restroom at the end, her only place to be alone, and cries. Inside she feels like screaming and throwing a fit of her own but with what purpose?

The days begin to run together, she asked him again if she can go home for a little while with only the same response, "Do you want to leave me? Please, don't go." She can not leave without causing him more pain. She thinks of herself as only floating by, nothing makes much sense anymore, everything is dull. The sickness he is experiencing only worsens along with his moods and attitude towards others. She tries to make things light and enjoyable in the moments when things seem better but he only gets angrier. So, yet again the word floating comes to her mind. She will just float along and hope for a break. One small break, her chance to be set free.

Letting Go

I have spent the majority of my dating life in a serious relationship. This last relationship has really been a tough one to go through, I was with my ex for 3 years this past Christmas and in June of last year he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Two weeks before he was diagnosed I had broken up with him for the hundreth time it seemed, in hopes of finding myself and scrounging up the strength to move on. However the cancer was a shock and he was immediately rushed into surgery to remove the tumor in his spine. He called me as soon as he heard from the hospital.

Let me go back. I was attending summer classes at the time he was diagnosed and was on the fast track to a two year pre-dental hygiene associates degree. When I got the call I was about to take my first exam of the Anatomy and physiology II class. I had just completed the first of that class and was looking forward to getting it done. My ex changed everything. From the minute he called me begging me to come to the hospital I was scared. I finished my test as quickly as I could and drove like a bat out of hell to get to his side. Let me remind you I was still a very confused 19 year old, getting herself into something that was way over her head. Little did I know that I would end up spending 6 months at his beck and call, doing whatever I could to help him fight this terrible disease. I ended up dropping out of the Anatomy and Physiology course that summer to be with my ex during his time of need. It put me behind.

I had always tried to be an upbeat, outgoing, funny girl, but this situation took its toll on me as a person. I love my ex and am the kind of person that if I care for someone I will do whatever it takes to help them in any situation. That's what I did. I devoted myself to getting him better. I blamed myself and thought maybe if I would have stayed with him this wouldn't of happened. In my past bad things always seemed to find me whenever I tried being completely selfish. So I did whatever was asked of me. I lived at UT hospital. I gave him baths, helped him use the bathroom when he couldn't clean himself up, took his insults, and slept night after night in an uncomfortable hospital chair. He was going through something horrible and I had to or at least I felt I had to. I just wanted him to get better. I would lay in that chair at night and wish as hard as I could that it would all go away for him. He was only 20 years old, he shouldn't be dealing with this sort of thing. I prayed and asked God what to do.

When no answers came I began to experience a sense of hopelessness. A depression took hold of me. I didn't enjoy life anymore, I felt alone and betrayed. I had no way out, so thoughts of suicide started to creep in like a disease. I just wanted the pain I felt for my ex and the sadness all around me to disapear.

The beginning of that summer in May, before my ex was ill with cancer, I had went to visit my mom in Indiana. She recently had moved there to be with her new husband. My little brother moved with her so I was excited for a little vacation. While there I quickly realized how boring this little bitty town could be. I was desperate for someone my age to hang out with. Long story short I was introduced to a country cowboy. Ha, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would meet a cowboy in the North. Anyway he worked with my step-dad and had offered to show me how to drive a stick. A friendship bloomed.

Truth be told he was the only thing that kept me from committing suicide on several occasions. I would decide to just give up and my phone would light up with a message from the cowboy I met. Giving me hope and making me laugh. He saved me in so many ways. I never wanted to hurt my ex or lie to him. I felt trapped in the twisted relationship we had. I was sick over it. I felt like a horrible person for falling for someone else while my ex lay in a hospital bed fighting a disease that was overtaking his body. I fought so hard to keep my feelings away for the cowboy. I even told him to leave me alone numerous times. I didn't want to hurt my ex in any way. I felt I would be hurting  him more, and for some reason he didn't want to let me go. So I let him hold on.

Eventually I continued talking to the cowboy yet again because that feeling of hoplessness kept taking over. He was the only thing that kept me out of that dark hole. I fell for him after telling my ex I still felt the same way I did before he got sick. We broke up but he still wanted me at the hospital. I stayed for two more months before finally making a decision for myself. I needed out, I was sad all the time and my depression was only getting worse. When the clouds lifted after christmas I took it as my chance to leave. I decided to go visit my mom and get away, in my mind thinking I had to get away for my own health. The entire time I drove away from that hospital I cried. I cried for my ex, I cried for every person I had met going through such a horrible time in there lives, I cried for myself and the person I was becoming, and I cried for my lost faith in God.

I was even more confused than I had ever been. Indiana was my way out. The only way I could think of to get myself out of the situation I found myself in. So I ran.

This past weekend I finally told my ex that I was seeing someone else. He didn't take it so well and that broke my heart. I hate hurting other people, especially someone going through what he is. I now find myself at another cross road. I'm still unsure what my decisions will do for my future but all I can do is try, try to find myself and let go of my past. He told me I was a bad person for what I did to him and that cut me to the core. All the things I did for him that hurt me during those three years meant nothing. I still feel hurt when I look back on what I did and all I gave up. I tried to be a good person. I pray for my ex every day and hope with all my heart that he beats cancer. I know I couldn't do it for him. You may think of me as a bad person, and many do. But I did what was best for myself and there was no shame in that. I want to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted.

I guess this blog is just a way for me to get out the feelings I have after the hurtful things my ex said to me this weekend. We all deserve happiness and that sometimes comes after hurting someone else. Life is not an easy thing.