Monday, May 3, 2010

Letting Go

I have spent the majority of my dating life in a serious relationship. This last relationship has really been a tough one to go through, I was with my ex for 3 years this past Christmas and in June of last year he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Two weeks before he was diagnosed I had broken up with him for the hundreth time it seemed, in hopes of finding myself and scrounging up the strength to move on. However the cancer was a shock and he was immediately rushed into surgery to remove the tumor in his spine. He called me as soon as he heard from the hospital.

Let me go back. I was attending summer classes at the time he was diagnosed and was on the fast track to a two year pre-dental hygiene associates degree. When I got the call I was about to take my first exam of the Anatomy and physiology II class. I had just completed the first of that class and was looking forward to getting it done. My ex changed everything. From the minute he called me begging me to come to the hospital I was scared. I finished my test as quickly as I could and drove like a bat out of hell to get to his side. Let me remind you I was still a very confused 19 year old, getting herself into something that was way over her head. Little did I know that I would end up spending 6 months at his beck and call, doing whatever I could to help him fight this terrible disease. I ended up dropping out of the Anatomy and Physiology course that summer to be with my ex during his time of need. It put me behind.

I had always tried to be an upbeat, outgoing, funny girl, but this situation took its toll on me as a person. I love my ex and am the kind of person that if I care for someone I will do whatever it takes to help them in any situation. That's what I did. I devoted myself to getting him better. I blamed myself and thought maybe if I would have stayed with him this wouldn't of happened. In my past bad things always seemed to find me whenever I tried being completely selfish. So I did whatever was asked of me. I lived at UT hospital. I gave him baths, helped him use the bathroom when he couldn't clean himself up, took his insults, and slept night after night in an uncomfortable hospital chair. He was going through something horrible and I had to or at least I felt I had to. I just wanted him to get better. I would lay in that chair at night and wish as hard as I could that it would all go away for him. He was only 20 years old, he shouldn't be dealing with this sort of thing. I prayed and asked God what to do.

When no answers came I began to experience a sense of hopelessness. A depression took hold of me. I didn't enjoy life anymore, I felt alone and betrayed. I had no way out, so thoughts of suicide started to creep in like a disease. I just wanted the pain I felt for my ex and the sadness all around me to disapear.

The beginning of that summer in May, before my ex was ill with cancer, I had went to visit my mom in Indiana. She recently had moved there to be with her new husband. My little brother moved with her so I was excited for a little vacation. While there I quickly realized how boring this little bitty town could be. I was desperate for someone my age to hang out with. Long story short I was introduced to a country cowboy. Ha, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would meet a cowboy in the North. Anyway he worked with my step-dad and had offered to show me how to drive a stick. A friendship bloomed.

Truth be told he was the only thing that kept me from committing suicide on several occasions. I would decide to just give up and my phone would light up with a message from the cowboy I met. Giving me hope and making me laugh. He saved me in so many ways. I never wanted to hurt my ex or lie to him. I felt trapped in the twisted relationship we had. I was sick over it. I felt like a horrible person for falling for someone else while my ex lay in a hospital bed fighting a disease that was overtaking his body. I fought so hard to keep my feelings away for the cowboy. I even told him to leave me alone numerous times. I didn't want to hurt my ex in any way. I felt I would be hurting  him more, and for some reason he didn't want to let me go. So I let him hold on.

Eventually I continued talking to the cowboy yet again because that feeling of hoplessness kept taking over. He was the only thing that kept me out of that dark hole. I fell for him after telling my ex I still felt the same way I did before he got sick. We broke up but he still wanted me at the hospital. I stayed for two more months before finally making a decision for myself. I needed out, I was sad all the time and my depression was only getting worse. When the clouds lifted after christmas I took it as my chance to leave. I decided to go visit my mom and get away, in my mind thinking I had to get away for my own health. The entire time I drove away from that hospital I cried. I cried for my ex, I cried for every person I had met going through such a horrible time in there lives, I cried for myself and the person I was becoming, and I cried for my lost faith in God.

I was even more confused than I had ever been. Indiana was my way out. The only way I could think of to get myself out of the situation I found myself in. So I ran.

This past weekend I finally told my ex that I was seeing someone else. He didn't take it so well and that broke my heart. I hate hurting other people, especially someone going through what he is. I now find myself at another cross road. I'm still unsure what my decisions will do for my future but all I can do is try, try to find myself and let go of my past. He told me I was a bad person for what I did to him and that cut me to the core. All the things I did for him that hurt me during those three years meant nothing. I still feel hurt when I look back on what I did and all I gave up. I tried to be a good person. I pray for my ex every day and hope with all my heart that he beats cancer. I know I couldn't do it for him. You may think of me as a bad person, and many do. But I did what was best for myself and there was no shame in that. I want to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted.

I guess this blog is just a way for me to get out the feelings I have after the hurtful things my ex said to me this weekend. We all deserve happiness and that sometimes comes after hurting someone else. Life is not an easy thing.

5 comments:

  1. Miss Scarlet,
    This is a very weighing story,
    trapped between guilt,
    beliefs,
    abandonments,
    principles and ethics in which we are given the notion of right and wrong,duty,our personal convictions, despairs....

    well, its anything but easy on a 19 years old.
    And its quite a lot to carry alone.
    Carrying so many crosses all at the same time.

    i have carefully read each word,
    touched
    by your attempt to deal with the complex aspects in your relationship,...

    in your case, it is overwhelming and difficult for you to find your psychological references to situate yourself emotionally, to choose, to survive without feeling punished. Nor having been a feel like you have betrayed someone who counted upon you.
    Sometimes trying to be saviours we become persecutors,
    not deliberately.
    And in turn we think of vanishing from here to elsewhere to escape from condemning feelings coming from the others and mostly yourself....knowing that where ever we go we'll carry with us what is inside us...
    our pains,
    our helplessness,
    our search for answers....

    Anyway , i think it takes a lot of courage and lucidity to standup where you stand, seeking to be honest. And, the right distances are needed to see clearly, find words and pacify the hurts, at allow oneself to reconciliate with the other. To understand the others feeling of abandonment and your necessity not to sink and drown.

    A dialogue is necessary, with a mediator who can help healing in all sense.
    All i want to say that your processus of looking into situations like this is what allows us to become remarkable human beings.
    It is not sacrifices but compassion that can light the lamp. You need it as much in order to give...
    Thankyou for sharing!
    hugs
    Col

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  2. Sorry for my lengthy comment...i have no pretension of knowing anything at all but i m surely touched by this post!

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  3. Col,
    Thank you so much for your words and thoughts. It has been a rough couple of years for me. I almost cried after reading your comment. It meant a lot.

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  5. Your ex does not sound grateful for anything you did for him. It is a terrible sad thing that he got cancer and is in the hospital, but that is no excuse to treat you badly. Not everyone can love someone in sickness & in health. That depends on each person. Don't let anyone judge you or make you think less of yourself because they tell you they would have chosen differently if they were in your situation. They're not in your situation so there is no telling how they would act.

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