Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Start of Something Great

My fiance and I finally had the time to get some engagement pictures done. We picked the property where we will soon live and eventually build our house and new lives together. Here is a peek at a few.










http://www.marchellemosleyphotography.com/ 
 

Sunday, November 7, 2010

A Single Moment

I suppose I need to give some updates as to what has been going on since my last blog. In my last blog I wrote about my boyfriend leaving me in Tennessee. I have to admit staying 400 miles away from each other was not ideal. That being said, I now live back in Indiana and am currently planning my wedding. Yes! The love of my life proposed on a sunny Thursday afternoon. Sometimes I find myself reliving that moment. It was a moment every girl dreams of.

I had been in class all morning and hating it. He had arrived late the night before and was at my house laying tile. I couldn't wait for class to end so I could be with him. I drive like crazy to get home. When I pull into the driveway I get out of the car (trying to act nochalant in case he's watching). I walk into the house and expect to see him in the kitchen. He's not there? I call out, "Hey babe, Where are you?" I hear from the back of the house, "In here." I honestly thought he was in the bathroom doing his business if you catch my drift. I walk through the living room and turn the corner that leads to the bedroom. My heart stops. I can't breath. There he is, the man who makes my life have purpose down on one knee, with a box opened in his palm. He's smiling and shaking. I hear the words although they sound faint to my ears, "Will you marry me?" I look at him and say dumbly, "Are you joking?" He laughs nervously and says sweetly, "No i'm not, will you marry me?" Tears fill my eyes and my heart starts to race. I say yes and drop to my knees as he pulls me to him. He starts to cry and he puts the ring on my hand. It's so perfect. That moment was perfect.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

GONE

The day is finally here. D day, he leaves me here today. I walk him outside after holding on to him for an hour inside the house. I try to remember everything I can about him, his smell, the way his face looks, the way it feels when his arms are around me, and the way he kisses me. I know in my heart I won't be able to feel or see any of this for at least a month. At this moment I feel like a knife has been shoved into my chest. I do not want him to drive away. We stand beside his truck in the yard clinging to each other, my cheek is against his cheek and I am holding on with all my might. I suddenly feel wetness on my cheek. I pull back to see tears coming from his beautiful blue eyes, my heart is full of love for this man. I begin to cry tears of happiness. He loves me as much as I love him! I feel as if I can fly off this earth. He feels the pain I feel at the thought of leaving. I hug him even tighter if that's possible. I don't ever want to lose this feeling. We kiss a hundred times more, and he begins to climb into his truck. I hold onto his hand and he pulls me against him again like he never wants to let me go and I don't ever want him to. I know he must go, and so does he. After another couple minutes of kissing and crying we finally part and he shuts the door. As he pulls away he takes my heart with him.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Dip Spit Disaster....

I am the first to admit when I am wrong in a situation, but I pride myself on being right. So I finally have a story where I made a complete fool of myself over a Styrofoam cup. 


It all begins when my love, Jared, gets off work last Tuesday evening. We had made plans to go hang out at a friends house, so after eating dinner we pile into the truck. We're having nice conversation driving down the road when I look down and see a small Styrofoam cup sitting in the console sporting a huge lipstick print on it. My mind automatically jumps to conclusions. First I know good and well I don't put my lips on Styrofoam cups nor do I buy that small size at the gas station. So, I question him about it. He immediately says I have no idea and starts getting angry. To me this is him acting as if he's guilty of something. 


Well I give him all I got, yelling and screaming at him all the time thinking he has been cheating on me. Jared is getting more and more angry as well, screaming back at me. Then he says something that cuts straight to my heart. He says, "Why don't you just go home!" 


Now let me remind you I moved to Indiana in February of this year from my home town in Tennessee to be with Jared and for him to say he wants me to go back cut me to the core. I'm so upset he said that it just fuels my anger!


Then I decide to investigate the cup all in my own stupidity. I start to look into the cup full of dip spit to try and see what kind of drink was in it before because I knew if it was coke it most certainly was not my cup. As I tip the cup up to look Jared hits a huge pot hole and the dip spit spills all down my front! It spills into my hair and on my coach bag! I couldn't believe it for a second and was shocked, I hate dipping and the smell was horrid. I feel like crying and screaming all at the same time. My anger is way up on there at this point. 


He hands me a rag so I can wipe myself off and begins to turn around to take me back home to change, I calmly ask him again who the cup belongs to, believing with all my might that he knows and just won't tell me. Then he suddenly bursts out, "IT'S YOURS!!" 


My mind does a flip flop and I remember now where the damn cup came from. It was mine from a birthday party we went to that previous weekend. I was humiliated on the spot for reacting the way I did. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless for Jared in that moment. I was wrong for once and he was right to my shame. 


When we get back to the house I'm on the verge of tears and I walk in and tell Jared's family what happened and begin to laugh and cry hysterically. How could I have not remembered that cup was mine and why did I want to believe Jared was cheating? 


I'm just glad I could admit I was wrong when need be. I'm also extremely glad he was not cheating for it truly would have broke my heart. However he will not let me live down that day and I am still apologizing for yelling at him for no reason. This situation made me realize maybe sometimes we should believe our man.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Another Journey

I haven't blogged for awhile and I honestly don't have any excuse as to why I haven't except laziness. haha. I recently quit my part time job at Ann Taylor's The Loft and the past couple weeks I have been completely useless. However that was my plan. I wanted nothing to do for the most part of my summer. I was sick of working and school and am having mental health day after mental health day! It's wonderful and also boring for someone like me who is used to being constantly on the go. I only have about two and a half weeks left in Indiana with my boyfriend Jared and his family. Indiana has grown on me and I must admit I'm pretty sad about leaving.

However, I recieved some of the best news the other week. My uncle has bought this cute house and offered for me to rent it from him! I was so stoked. I will have my very own place and the best part is I can now abandon my search for an apartment. I will still have to find a roomate but still it takes a big load off. I can't wait to decorate and make it mine! Its a new step in a direction I have been wanting to take in quite awhile. I start back at school soon and pray my life will stay together and not unravel as it has in the past. I want things to go smoothly for once in my life. I feel that this summer has really changed me for the better, I am stronger as a person. This new journey, as I like to call it, will be a positive one!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Spirit of a Child

Lately I've been working for a summer program at a local Elementary School. I was so happy at the amount of enjoyment I have begun to experience. I have always known since I was a little girl that I wanted to work with kids. I used to play teacher in my Meme's laundry room. I admit as well I played with baby dolls. Anyway, my passion has always been to work in some field where I would be surrounded by children. After these past couple of weeks I have realized even more how much working with youth means to me. Its sort of like they bring a light into my heart. When I'm with them all the problems in my life seem to dissipate.

The group of kids I spent last week with were amazing. They begun to amuse me by saying I talked in a western style, haha, then once I explained where I was from they started calling me Tennessee girl. I smiled and laughed a lot. They always said the funniest things. I am sad that it's over but it really got me thinking about where I want to work once I finish college. Right now I'm stuck between a dental hygienist working in pediatrics, a respiratory therapist in peds, and a elementary school teacher. I know those seem all very different but they are all jobs I think I might enjoy. I hate not knowing what to choose. I wish I could see into the future and know if my choices were the correct ones. Only time will tell I guess!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010

Floating

Light pours over her closed eyes causing her to winch from the pain of it. Eyes tired from lack of sleep glide open and stare at the new day through blinds on a hospital window. Her already sore body moves out of the uncomfortable position it had been in, sitting up slowly, the broken chair slides almost dumping her on the floor. The smell of hospital food and vomit feels her nostrils. She see's the sleeping figure beside her and wrenches her hand from his, moving it to get back some feeling in its numb fingers. While doing this one of the many doctors strolls in with his charts and wakes the sleeping patient. They all look the same. A nonchalant face means bad news.

After the doctor leaves chaos breaks out in the cramped hospital room. Her heart aches for him and she reaches out to touch his hand, in which at that moment he turns on her, "This is your fault! Why did you not wake me up so I could be more prepared, I'm sick of this!" With that being screamed at her, he then becomes irritated at the hair falling on his neck. This sends him into a fit all its own. Crying and screaming, pulling out his hair in the hand fulls. She wants so badly to know what to do, how to ease his pain, but nothing she can think of will change this.

He finally gives in and allows his head to be shaved. He tells her he feels like an alien and begins avoiding the mirrors.  She begins to feel trapped and alone, helpless to how things will end up. She walks down the long corridor to the restroom at the end, her only place to be alone, and cries. Inside she feels like screaming and throwing a fit of her own but with what purpose?

The days begin to run together, she asked him again if she can go home for a little while with only the same response, "Do you want to leave me? Please, don't go." She can not leave without causing him more pain. She thinks of herself as only floating by, nothing makes much sense anymore, everything is dull. The sickness he is experiencing only worsens along with his moods and attitude towards others. She tries to make things light and enjoyable in the moments when things seem better but he only gets angrier. So, yet again the word floating comes to her mind. She will just float along and hope for a break. One small break, her chance to be set free.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Letting Go

I have spent the majority of my dating life in a serious relationship. This last relationship has really been a tough one to go through, I was with my ex for 3 years this past Christmas and in June of last year he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Two weeks before he was diagnosed I had broken up with him for the hundreth time it seemed, in hopes of finding myself and scrounging up the strength to move on. However the cancer was a shock and he was immediately rushed into surgery to remove the tumor in his spine. He called me as soon as he heard from the hospital.

Let me go back. I was attending summer classes at the time he was diagnosed and was on the fast track to a two year pre-dental hygiene associates degree. When I got the call I was about to take my first exam of the Anatomy and physiology II class. I had just completed the first of that class and was looking forward to getting it done. My ex changed everything. From the minute he called me begging me to come to the hospital I was scared. I finished my test as quickly as I could and drove like a bat out of hell to get to his side. Let me remind you I was still a very confused 19 year old, getting herself into something that was way over her head. Little did I know that I would end up spending 6 months at his beck and call, doing whatever I could to help him fight this terrible disease. I ended up dropping out of the Anatomy and Physiology course that summer to be with my ex during his time of need. It put me behind.

I had always tried to be an upbeat, outgoing, funny girl, but this situation took its toll on me as a person. I love my ex and am the kind of person that if I care for someone I will do whatever it takes to help them in any situation. That's what I did. I devoted myself to getting him better. I blamed myself and thought maybe if I would have stayed with him this wouldn't of happened. In my past bad things always seemed to find me whenever I tried being completely selfish. So I did whatever was asked of me. I lived at UT hospital. I gave him baths, helped him use the bathroom when he couldn't clean himself up, took his insults, and slept night after night in an uncomfortable hospital chair. He was going through something horrible and I had to or at least I felt I had to. I just wanted him to get better. I would lay in that chair at night and wish as hard as I could that it would all go away for him. He was only 20 years old, he shouldn't be dealing with this sort of thing. I prayed and asked God what to do.

When no answers came I began to experience a sense of hopelessness. A depression took hold of me. I didn't enjoy life anymore, I felt alone and betrayed. I had no way out, so thoughts of suicide started to creep in like a disease. I just wanted the pain I felt for my ex and the sadness all around me to disapear.

The beginning of that summer in May, before my ex was ill with cancer, I had went to visit my mom in Indiana. She recently had moved there to be with her new husband. My little brother moved with her so I was excited for a little vacation. While there I quickly realized how boring this little bitty town could be. I was desperate for someone my age to hang out with. Long story short I was introduced to a country cowboy. Ha, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would meet a cowboy in the North. Anyway he worked with my step-dad and had offered to show me how to drive a stick. A friendship bloomed.

Truth be told he was the only thing that kept me from committing suicide on several occasions. I would decide to just give up and my phone would light up with a message from the cowboy I met. Giving me hope and making me laugh. He saved me in so many ways. I never wanted to hurt my ex or lie to him. I felt trapped in the twisted relationship we had. I was sick over it. I felt like a horrible person for falling for someone else while my ex lay in a hospital bed fighting a disease that was overtaking his body. I fought so hard to keep my feelings away for the cowboy. I even told him to leave me alone numerous times. I didn't want to hurt my ex in any way. I felt I would be hurting  him more, and for some reason he didn't want to let me go. So I let him hold on.

Eventually I continued talking to the cowboy yet again because that feeling of hoplessness kept taking over. He was the only thing that kept me out of that dark hole. I fell for him after telling my ex I still felt the same way I did before he got sick. We broke up but he still wanted me at the hospital. I stayed for two more months before finally making a decision for myself. I needed out, I was sad all the time and my depression was only getting worse. When the clouds lifted after christmas I took it as my chance to leave. I decided to go visit my mom and get away, in my mind thinking I had to get away for my own health. The entire time I drove away from that hospital I cried. I cried for my ex, I cried for every person I had met going through such a horrible time in there lives, I cried for myself and the person I was becoming, and I cried for my lost faith in God.

I was even more confused than I had ever been. Indiana was my way out. The only way I could think of to get myself out of the situation I found myself in. So I ran.

This past weekend I finally told my ex that I was seeing someone else. He didn't take it so well and that broke my heart. I hate hurting other people, especially someone going through what he is. I now find myself at another cross road. I'm still unsure what my decisions will do for my future but all I can do is try, try to find myself and let go of my past. He told me I was a bad person for what I did to him and that cut me to the core. All the things I did for him that hurt me during those three years meant nothing. I still feel hurt when I look back on what I did and all I gave up. I tried to be a good person. I pray for my ex every day and hope with all my heart that he beats cancer. I know I couldn't do it for him. You may think of me as a bad person, and many do. But I did what was best for myself and there was no shame in that. I want to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted.

I guess this blog is just a way for me to get out the feelings I have after the hurtful things my ex said to me this weekend. We all deserve happiness and that sometimes comes after hurting someone else. Life is not an easy thing.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Laura J. Watkins Photography

F*ck College!

I really need to vent right now so this post will be dedicated to all the freaking idiot professor's out there who are spending their time as teachers making students lives a living hell! I have been in college for two years now after this semester, which is ending in the next couple of weeks. In that time I have dealt with every kind of professor. I have experienced the horny, moody, whiny, and hilarious. The one I want to refer to however, is the moody! How is it that you can be a teacher and do things just to have the intentions of making things all the more harder on the student? It is not enough that you made the statement already of how you do not believe in giving A's. Who says that? If I deserve a f**king A, I better receive that grade!

So to explain what caused this little tangent, I first had to define the sort of professor I was dealing with. Today I devoted my time to completing a history paper that I though was to be wrote on the Cold War. Well let's just say I was wrong. The topic was instead supposed to be on the "New World Order". I had just spent the majority of my day writing a paper on the wrong damn topic. This paper I should add is due at midnight. Alright, if that wasn't enough I then begin to write about the new topic (stressing out the whole time mind you), I get quite excited because I realize it has to do with a lot of the conspiracy theories surrounding the government taking complete control of the American people. I am writing and realizing happily that at the rate I'm going I will be able to finish.

I do finish with two in a half hours to spare! I then start to review my paper, making corrections and cleaning up the rough draft. While doing this I always review what the professor wanted out of the paper. This is when my night takes another devastating turn. I find an email saying how my a**hole professor wants nothing to do with conspiracy theories in the paper (let's just say at this point, I lower my head and say obscene things under my breath). Being the trooper that I am, I compose myself and begin searching for something else I could write about in the amount of time I have left. I work my little butt off and right at 11:30 I believe I have it finished! I review again and then I see a new email flashing, I click and read this --

Students,
I have had several 'freaking out' emails over the past few days so I am going to extend the due date for the DWO paper to the 18th. This will allow everyone a few more days to complete or edit their papers.


To put it nicely I get so pissed at this point I want to step outside and scream at the top of my lungs! I would have never thought that the one time I don't think he will give me a break, he does. So to conclude this rant I say, "F*CK YOU COLLEGE!!"

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Protestors against Homosexuality Paper

I wrote this paper for my sociology class and thought I would share it with you guys and get your opinion on the matter.

The recent news of a small Kansas church group protesting at United States service member’s funerals has brought nationwide attention recently. The members of Topeka-based Westboro Baptist Church believe that God is punishing the United States for “the sin of homosexuality” through events such as soldiers’ deaths. The members have been known to be loud and extremely offensive to the grieving family members near memorial services and burials. CNN News Supreme Court Producer wrote of the members displaying homemade signs saying things such as, “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and “God Blew Up the Troops.” This is an extreme way of these individuals taking social action. They truly believe that by protesting homosexuality at these events that it will change the way American’s look at the rights of Gay individuals. By them making such statements as, “America is Doomed” and “God hates fags”, they are sending a huge message to other religious people who are against homosexuality saying that this violent action is the right way to express their beliefs. The news has shown more attention to the protesters acts at military funerals but this group has also been known to picket gay churches and gay weddings. These protests are one in a sea of many throughout America against the Gay community.

Since this has to do with religious beliefs it can have a huge effect on society. Since religion creates social solidarity the values, rules, and norms are set by this experience and gives different cultures the basis for how there world works. For some reason these individuals believe God is punishing them for allowing homosexuality into our world and ultimately our culture. Since all of us try to understand the world and what are parts are in it, religion plays a big part in that understanding. Since the United States is still largely a religious country, people are looking for guidance within a church community. The members of this radical church group are speaking out and gaining followers. They are traveling throughout the country and participating in hundreds of protest to; as they say to demonstrate their freedom of speech. But where is the line drawn between privacy rights for grieving families and the free rights of demonstrators? Even with their provocative and disturbing messages the courts aren’t sure who has more of a right.

The message these members are sending into society has created a mass of outraged citizens. In result of the story about the protesters harassing military families a volunteer group has formed called the “Patriot Guard Riders”, this group of more than 400 motorcycle riders showed up to make certain that the funeral of Sgt. Jessie Davila was not overshadowed by the protesters. Davila’s mother spoke out about the protesters saying that these individuals were, “killing the American Dream – they won’t be around very long, because nobody’s going to let them.” Kansas City News reported another mourner speaking out at a funeral being protested making the statement that, “They shouldn’t protest the funeral for a man who was out there dying to protect the rights that they’re demanding they receive.”

The act of dishonoring American Soldiers funerals in regards to homosexuality has astounded many Americans. It seems this group’s radical message and choice of where to protest is causing and outrage in American society. People are coming together to stand up against these protesters and stop the harassment of military families. No matter what their message may be, the members of this Church are possibly causing a big change in many societies nationwide, more than a dozen states are now considering passing laws that would prohibit protesting at funerals.

These protestors are trying to change the way society looks at homosexuality, trying to change what’s already begun to change in respect to the gay communities in America. Society is beginning to accept these individuals and give them the rights they deserve. The movement to stop homosexuality is ridiculous. America is changing, and what these protesters do not realize is that we will protect each other. For some reason this religious organization believes God is punishing America for allowing homosexuals to have rights, this movement is so familiar to that of the civil rights movement it’s scary. A large part of the country is fighting to keep gays from having rights in society and another large part is fighting to allow them that right. The Gay Rights Movement is just another change in the face of society. To be a free country we have to allow individuals the right to be free to make their own choices, no matter what our personal beliefs.

Links to the WebSites referred to...


http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/03/08/homosexuality.protest/index.html

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/06/btsc.lavandrera.funerals/index.html

http://www.kmbc.com/news/4816699/detail.html


A Disappointed Heart

It's a beautiful spring day, with a cool breeze blowing through my hair. I ask you to take me somewhere thinking we could be alone for awhile. You comply and we decide to go for a walk. As we are walking I am starring at your back, willing you to say something, anything. Wishing with all my heart you would turn around and take me into your arms and kiss me silly. But you don't. You continue to ignore my need for your touch. As I walk behind you I search for the mushrooms that you are so diligently looking for, wondering what I did to cause this distance between us. 

You turn and look at me, I freeze feeling your eyes lock with mine. I long to hear something sweet and sincere, words that would make this feeling disappear, but instead I hear, "This is our honey pot, I don't understand their are usually tons here." I feel my want shatter. I try to make myself reason, thinking he's just a man, he does not understand me. How can I be angry at something he does not understand? I kick myself for being just a silly girl believing in true love and romance. You search on ahead of me as I fight this inner battle with myself. Eventually I give up and decide my scheme of getting you alone had fell flat. Then it hit me! What if I ran up to you and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Hey notice me!" I'm sure that would have an effect. Of course it would only make me look like an idiot so I immediately scratch the thought. 

Then I hear your phone ring. You are talking to someone about playing cards tonight. Again I can't help but feel the disappointment creep into my heart. You are going to leave again for the third night. I turn and begin to walk back. I hear you call out to me asking where I am going. I just keep walking, wanting nothing but to be alone until I can mask my disappointment. I push my way through the tree limbs and bushes, angry at myself the whole way. I knew better than to think it would be different this time, but yet I still held on to the hope that I would somehow find what was missing. You follow behind me and I can hear the worry in your voice. I don't know how to make you understand so I decide then and there that I give up. I give up on all these false hopes and dreams. They only lead to disappointment. With this realized, I know it will never be the same.  

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Lonely Dog Lady....

I have been trying to write about something every weekday but today I haven't much inspiration. A suggestion was made that I write about something that makes me happy, meaning all my other posts are unhappy I guess. So hear it goes......

In some of my past blogs I wrote about things that took place in the past, my past wasn't always happy. I didn't see as many smiles as I do today now that I am trying to in some ways to grow up. Independence has always been my goal. My dream was to become a successful individual, meet a handsome well rounded guy, get married, build my fantasy house, and have me some babies. That's probably not a very uncommon dream. Many young girls raised in Tennessee hope for this sort of future life. Although some seem to skip the part about being successful as their own person from the start. I however have that particular goal as number one on my list. I swore to myself awhile back that I would never, ever have to depend on a man for anything. I wanted my life to be stable without the help of the opposite sex. This was before I realized that underneath my hard, independent woman persona, I actually wanted what most girls growing up in the south want. A man who will love me, whisk me away to marry and take care of me.

I try so hard to keep that hidden wish inside locked away. In a way it's a wall I put up to avoid getting hurt. I have been hurt by almost every man that has ever stepped foot into my life. But now I am starting to feel that wall break down. I find myself wanting to allow someone in. This feeling is so strange to me, in the past I can put somewhat of a mask on in front of men who try to get to know me. I don't know how other women feel but men scare the shit out of me. They can get into your head and your heart so easily, then turn and pull you apart inside.

But back to what makes me happy, right now in my life I have found something or better yet someone who makes me happy. Not my fake persona happy but inside for the first time in quite awhile I feel happy. A feeling and experience I never wanted to find with a man. I am terrified. I want to let myself be happy but I keep thinking in the back of my head, what if? He, however, makes me want to let down my walls and finally let someone in. Let him in, but with what cost?

I have begun to recently reevaluate my life:

I read a quote the other day by Helen Keller. She said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." I don't want my life to be nothing. I want to be adventurous and free like I wanted to be when I was young. My reevaluation has made me realize that the way I had decided to live my life, was not living. It was hiding from it. I was just a scared individual afraid of someone hurting me. My past is my past. I need to live life not live in fear of it. It seems fear is my weakness and it is a weakness I intend to overcome. Ha ha. I feel like I am giving myself a pep talk in some way. I don't want someone to say, "hey what makes you happy", and me have no idea what that is. That question today sparked something inside me. I just hope I can beat this and allow people into my life because if I don't I will lose that dream. I will ultimately become a lonely independent woman with nothing but her dogs. :-(

He Was a Dancer

Soft wet rain drops fall onto my cheeks, wetting them as a tear would when it slips out of my eyes. The sky is dark yet welcoming, the breeze is cold but warm. The rain is gathering on the back of my neck as I stand in my wet sneakers. I take a few steps in the direction I had just come from, feeling the water squish between my toes. I suddenly stop and ask myself, "why am I running? You have no where to go you silly girl." Silly girl, that's all I am to them. So why not run away? Who cares where I go? As I fight this battle in my head I am taking more sloppy wet steps back toward the hell that is my life.

I look down at my shoes, my favorite pair of checkered van sneakers, as I glance up from my ruined shoes I see the most beautiful sight. A horse is standing there all alone in the rain. I am mesmerized my him. His long lean legs are running and prancing so gracefully. It looks as if he is dancing. Twirling in circles and raring back to a beat all his own. I long to be as free and graceful as he. I watch him a bit longer dreading the walk back but knowing deep down I have no choice. I am not a beautiful and graceful horse. I am just me a lanky and awkward klutz no one even noticed was gone.

I walk in the front door hearing my slushy sneakers sqeek on the floor wanting someone to notice me. The television is on and the door down the hall is shut, shutting everything out with it. I all of a sudden feel cold, I realize my clothes are drenched from the rain. I shut my door and lay on the cold floor and look up at the white cealing. I close my eyes and see again that gorgeous horse dancing in the rain wanting to feel as free and strong as he appeared to be.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

A Household Disaster

I have been taking care of my mother's dogs for the past four days. She owns two boxers and two that are mutts. The two boxers stay in the house. These are my moms dogs. They look sweet right? And they are awesome dogs.

But, let me tell you it is not a fun experience all the time. When my mom left to go on a little vacation she informed me that the dogs would do great! If you feed them in the mornings and let them play during the day then feed them again around 7:30, they shouldn't be much of a hassle. 

Ok, let me start over. I am a germaphobe. I can not stand dirty things. So let me say that the one thing I was worried about was the fact that the dogs might pee or poop everywhere. Luckily, Mom assured me that as long as I leave the basement door open then the dogs will go to the restroom downstairs. Well my mother was wrong!!! These dogs just go where ever they please! It does not matter if the damn door is open or not! I have had some of the worst couple of days. 

I have completely changed my way of thinking when it comes to animals inside a home. I will never allow a dog, let alone two dogs stay inside my house. And another thing, my mothers house has only carpet on the floors. I cannot stand the smell of dog urine. I have cleaned and sprayed smelly stuff, opened windows even though its cold outside, and lit candles. Nothing can get rid of the dog urine stench in carpet. 
My rant will continue with the fact that their is dog hair all over everything. Their is dog hair on the towels in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on the beds, and pillows. Its everywhere! I feel nasty as soon as I step out of the bath tub. I have no idea how I had not noticed how disgusting it was until recently. 

I honestly don't know how other people can live like this. I need cleanliness to survive. I can not wait for my mom to return home so I can finally sleep somewhere clean and urine smell free!! 

Friday, March 19, 2010

Waiting.....

I sit alone on a swing in the cool March air, reading a book I can't  seem to stay focused on. I have re-read the same page a hundred times I think, I glance down the drive as I stretch out my legs feeling the pull of my aching muscles. A breeze catches my hair and pulls the locks across my face.  I have never felt this anxious to see someone before.

While I wait I focus on the trees as they move in the wind. Now that the weather is beginning to warm and winter is ending I think ahead to the summer months just around the corner. I am hoping for the kind of summer that is remembered forever. The kind of summer that is full of love and happiness. Where some of the best memories can be made. 

I hear the gravel begin to crunch under the weight of truck tires. I turn my head to see the one thing I had missed all day coming up the drive. It feels like butterflies are going crazy in my stomach. I squint my eyes in the sun as he begins to walk toward me with that goofy smile on his face. I can't help but to smile back. I stand slowly as the wind picks up speed, he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me tightly against him. I love this feeling most of all, its one of the reasons I can't wait to see him again. I look up into his gentle blue eyes, seeing the love I feel in my heart echoed there. 

As we turn to sit together on the swing, he puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side. I feel so safe and wanted I pray this will never end. The warm sunshine sends chills down my body. As he leans down to kiss me and tell me he loves me, I think to myself how lucky I am to be here in this moment and be loved by him.  




Wednesday, March 17, 2010

An Every Day Miracle

I feel the sands softness between my toes as I walk ever so delicately along the shore. I hear the whispers of the oceans waves as the water rolls in and out from between my toes. I can see my foot prints behind me only for a moment before the sea washes them away, as if I had never walked there. 
The light breeze across my shoulders is so sweet and gentle, like a lovers hand brushing along my back lulling me into its embrace. I wrap my arms around myself and close my eyes feeling the power of the ocean as it pulls and lets go. I can almost sway to its rhythm like a branch caught in the wind. The water then rushes more violently against my legs, causing me to stagger for a brief second. 
 Finally I open my eyes and turn to look upon the vast openness that is the sea. The sun is setting slowly out of sight. This is breath taking, I wish I could freeze that moment in time. Its so glorious. The sun seeming to disappear into the oceans depths along with a mixture of deep reds and oranges intertwined. Its so lovely, I long to be a part of this miracle.
When the ocean eventually swallows up the sun to leave only darkness. I begin to move along the shore again looking ahead seeing only the beaches long shore and thinking to myself, God is truly great.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ravaged by Wolves

Darkness falls too quickly for me now, since I selfishly wish for night to come. Its so mysterious and enticing, I could see myself getting lost in its depth. The recent phenomenon of vampires and wolves has sparked my interest and brought out my darker side, I mean how exciting would it be to live a life that completely revolves around the night.

Night for me used to mean sadness since only then was I left alone with my thoughts. Now its more of a peaceful time, when everything begins to slow down to eventually become nothing but stillness.  I can be alone without any one person butting into my life. What is it about night fall that scares and entices people? Is it because you can't see what's all around you or just the simple fact that we were programmed to believe night is when evil comes alive?

I love the night how serene it feels just to sit and hear silence. It has never frightened me, even as a kid I enjoyed sitting in the barn behind my house  listening to all the different sounds. What if I could be something so dark and terrifying inside that I could only be my true self in moments when my world is dark?

For example a werewolf, who is part human part wolf. The legend of werewolves is that they can only change under the light of a full moon. If I had this secret inside that only could be made true under a full moon, I would feel tormented. In a way that's how I feel at this point in my life. I feel like I am trapped in my own skin. Tormented by what it would mean to show others my true self. What would it mean if I bucked against the morals my family has worked so hard to instill in me? Would I, for instance be thrown to the wolves? An outcast? All these are questions I am asking myself at this point in my life.

All I can do is enjoy the peacefulness of the night when it arrives, where nothing can disturb my dreams. Although I would like to have a reason to feel trapped like werewolves do, I unfortunately am just human. A human that makes mistakes. I just hope I make the right decisions for myself each and every time that sun comes up to wake me from my silent night and force the decisions brought on by the next day.

Monday, March 15, 2010

If Walls Could Talk....

I was born in Knoxville, Tennessee on November 2, 1989. I lived with my mom on a little back road out in the middle of nowhere. Growing up the first place I remember living was in a single wide trailer on the land my grandparents allowed my mom to inhabit. It was small but just enough for me and my mother. We eventually did a trailer upgrade and somehow acquired a brand new double wide, which was really nice. At this time my little brother, Wayne had joined our little family, so I was so excited I finally had my own room. This spacious double wide is where most of my childhood memories were made.

This past week I went back home for spring break. The trailer is now up for sale and Saturday night I spent my last night there. As I lay there on a blow up mattress in the room that used to be my mothers, I began to think of all those times I had in that room. I tried to remember the good times although I found myself thinking more of the bad. In that moment I thought, if these walls could talk would the people coming to look and possibly buy still consider living here?

Imagine for a second that you are looking for a house and instead of the cheesy realtor talking about all the space and blah, blah, blah, the walls instead told the story of previous owners. If the walls at my old home could talk it may say something like this...

The couple walks into the bedroom to the right of the hall in the back part of the house, as they step into the room they begin to hear a story. The story of a little girl and her younger brother. It takes the couple back to a cold winters night, where two little kids are hoping for something special to happen. It's Christmas Eve and the little boy had snuck into his sisters room. They are laying in the bed whispering waiting to hear Santa's arrival. They smile at each other as they talk about what kind of gifts they will receive, how they can't wait to see their mom's face when she opens her gift they had worked so hard to make. The children then drift of to sleep holding hands. As the walls finish the memory the couple moves into the kitchen to hear another story of how when it was cold in the mornings before school the kids would sit facing each other on the air vents, giggling and watching their mother make coffee.

Although the experience for this couple would not be as pleasant if the walls had chosen to speak of other memories that took place throughout my life. I still feel sad when I think of the trailer being sold. It was my home and regardless of the bad memories, they were still my memories and apart of my life. My grandmother says I have to let it go and move on. I know she is right but a part of me doesn't want to see it go. I wonder who will live there and the kind of memories they will make.

Since I had always dreamed of building a house in the woods where I played its harder for me to let go, but now I'm trying to move on and change my dreams. The trailer will be sold in less than 6 months according to my grandfather so I have to let it go even if I'm not ready. I just pray the people that move there make good memories and give the walls something good to remember. :-)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Painted Black


Today is the day! The day I get the tattoo I have dreamed of for years. I'm so excited I even dreamed about it last night. For me tattoo's are beautiful and can be works of art if done correctly. Of course I have my fears and doubts about this one, considering its not the smallest tattoo in the world, but if its done right I will be so thrilled.

The tattoo is a gorgeous mixture of my personality. A work with of course my favorite flower, a daisy, along with the treble clef, to remember my high school days and love for music. I am also going to have a string of stars, since I am always dreaming. The newest addition is a leukemia awareness ribbon.

My ex has been battling leukemia since last June, and two months ago this disease almost took his life. I lived at the hospital for four months by his side day and night. The hospital setting really took a toll on me as a person. I saw pain and despair everyday. I try to be a optimistic person generally, so I did the best I could to keep his spirits up. Of course this failed. In the beginning it was easy to push all the sadness away but after awhile it consumes you.

That experience opened my eyes to a whole new world. Cancer is everywhere. It has touched so many lives and destroyed so much. It is so unexplained and interesting. Billy's cancer, when first diagnosed was found by him going into the doctor with pains in his upper back. Within two weeks he had lost all feeling in his legs. The CT showed a mass growing between his shoulder blades. This mass baffled doctors for almost a month.

I remember the day the doctor came in the room to tell us what they had found. I held Billy's hand praying they would say it was a non-malignant tumor. As he begin to speak it was bad news. Not only was it bad news it was terrible news. They had never seen this type of species of leukemia. They kept calling him a special case. I now hate the word special.

So, they began a series of different treatments trying to find something that worked, but the cancer was winning. Billy's case was special because he is a young healthy twenty year old male. The kind of cancer he obtained was only found in small children and elders. Also this form of leukemia when finally diagnosed mutated in a matter of months from Chronic Mylogenous Leukemia to Acute Lymphatic Leukemia. This meant Billy was in what they called a blast cell crisis. He was fighting for his life. He was hospitalized and given some of the worst doses of Chemotherapy imagined. I remember one they brought in called "the red dragon". The nurses were covered head to toe in coats and gloves to their arm pits. When I asked why they had to take such extreme measures they told us that if any of the liquid were to hit someones skin or the floor it would burn through. Keep in mind this drug was being put into Billy's port that led directly to his heart and into his blood. Then they proceed to tell us the risks involved with this "red dragon". They said their have been cases where people have went insane while on the drug, but don't worry the nurse says, its very rare for this to happen. I was floored and terrified for Billy. I couldn't even imagine how he felt in that moment.

During my time on the cancer floor at UT Hospital, I realized that cancer is something to be recognized. I am so proud not only of Billy but all the other survivors. This phenomenon is a scary reality. We are living in a scary world that equals an even scarier truth. Life is precious and it can be taken away at any moment. No matter what your story is life can never be so bad that you want to give up its amazing gift.

Tough Love

I stand alone and torn in the middle of a room, you tower over me and scold my innocence. I feel myself shrinking before you. You seem so cool, calm, and menacing. I can feel what's coming next to the core of my heart. You begin with a string of insults directed at me and my already broken ego. I think back and try to remember what I have done to make you so angry with me.


You begin to come closer grabbing my arms roughly and begin to shake me. Its as if you are trying to shake off whatever it is about me that disgusts you so. I feel the tears in my throat as the burning in my heart increases, I fight back the tears knowing that only makes you all the more angry. I close my eyes and see darkness, I try to drown out your voice and the smell of liquor on your breath as you scream in my face.

You begin to step back, its as if everything begins to slow. I can feel your anger and the sweat as it rolls down my back. I freeze and brace myself as your hand raises behind you. Then in an instant I hear silence. I crumple to the floor, knowing this satisfies you.

Sweet silence. You walk away leaving only pain in your wake. As I pick myself up I think to myself more determined that ever, I will do better tomorrow Mommy, just wait, you will see.