Friday, March 26, 2010

The Lonely Dog Lady....

I have been trying to write about something every weekday but today I haven't much inspiration. A suggestion was made that I write about something that makes me happy, meaning all my other posts are unhappy I guess. So hear it goes......

In some of my past blogs I wrote about things that took place in the past, my past wasn't always happy. I didn't see as many smiles as I do today now that I am trying to in some ways to grow up. Independence has always been my goal. My dream was to become a successful individual, meet a handsome well rounded guy, get married, build my fantasy house, and have me some babies. That's probably not a very uncommon dream. Many young girls raised in Tennessee hope for this sort of future life. Although some seem to skip the part about being successful as their own person from the start. I however have that particular goal as number one on my list. I swore to myself awhile back that I would never, ever have to depend on a man for anything. I wanted my life to be stable without the help of the opposite sex. This was before I realized that underneath my hard, independent woman persona, I actually wanted what most girls growing up in the south want. A man who will love me, whisk me away to marry and take care of me.

I try so hard to keep that hidden wish inside locked away. In a way it's a wall I put up to avoid getting hurt. I have been hurt by almost every man that has ever stepped foot into my life. But now I am starting to feel that wall break down. I find myself wanting to allow someone in. This feeling is so strange to me, in the past I can put somewhat of a mask on in front of men who try to get to know me. I don't know how other women feel but men scare the shit out of me. They can get into your head and your heart so easily, then turn and pull you apart inside.

But back to what makes me happy, right now in my life I have found something or better yet someone who makes me happy. Not my fake persona happy but inside for the first time in quite awhile I feel happy. A feeling and experience I never wanted to find with a man. I am terrified. I want to let myself be happy but I keep thinking in the back of my head, what if? He, however, makes me want to let down my walls and finally let someone in. Let him in, but with what cost?

I have begun to recently reevaluate my life:

I read a quote the other day by Helen Keller. She said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." I don't want my life to be nothing. I want to be adventurous and free like I wanted to be when I was young. My reevaluation has made me realize that the way I had decided to live my life, was not living. It was hiding from it. I was just a scared individual afraid of someone hurting me. My past is my past. I need to live life not live in fear of it. It seems fear is my weakness and it is a weakness I intend to overcome. Ha ha. I feel like I am giving myself a pep talk in some way. I don't want someone to say, "hey what makes you happy", and me have no idea what that is. That question today sparked something inside me. I just hope I can beat this and allow people into my life because if I don't I will lose that dream. I will ultimately become a lonely independent woman with nothing but her dogs. :-(

He Was a Dancer

Soft wet rain drops fall onto my cheeks, wetting them as a tear would when it slips out of my eyes. The sky is dark yet welcoming, the breeze is cold but warm. The rain is gathering on the back of my neck as I stand in my wet sneakers. I take a few steps in the direction I had just come from, feeling the water squish between my toes. I suddenly stop and ask myself, "why am I running? You have no where to go you silly girl." Silly girl, that's all I am to them. So why not run away? Who cares where I go? As I fight this battle in my head I am taking more sloppy wet steps back toward the hell that is my life.

I look down at my shoes, my favorite pair of checkered van sneakers, as I glance up from my ruined shoes I see the most beautiful sight. A horse is standing there all alone in the rain. I am mesmerized my him. His long lean legs are running and prancing so gracefully. It looks as if he is dancing. Twirling in circles and raring back to a beat all his own. I long to be as free and graceful as he. I watch him a bit longer dreading the walk back but knowing deep down I have no choice. I am not a beautiful and graceful horse. I am just me a lanky and awkward klutz no one even noticed was gone.

I walk in the front door hearing my slushy sneakers sqeek on the floor wanting someone to notice me. The television is on and the door down the hall is shut, shutting everything out with it. I all of a sudden feel cold, I realize my clothes are drenched from the rain. I shut my door and lay on the cold floor and look up at the white cealing. I close my eyes and see again that gorgeous horse dancing in the rain wanting to feel as free and strong as he appeared to be.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

A Household Disaster

I have been taking care of my mother's dogs for the past four days. She owns two boxers and two that are mutts. The two boxers stay in the house. These are my moms dogs. They look sweet right? And they are awesome dogs.

But, let me tell you it is not a fun experience all the time. When my mom left to go on a little vacation she informed me that the dogs would do great! If you feed them in the mornings and let them play during the day then feed them again around 7:30, they shouldn't be much of a hassle. 

Ok, let me start over. I am a germaphobe. I can not stand dirty things. So let me say that the one thing I was worried about was the fact that the dogs might pee or poop everywhere. Luckily, Mom assured me that as long as I leave the basement door open then the dogs will go to the restroom downstairs. Well my mother was wrong!!! These dogs just go where ever they please! It does not matter if the damn door is open or not! I have had some of the worst couple of days. 

I have completely changed my way of thinking when it comes to animals inside a home. I will never allow a dog, let alone two dogs stay inside my house. And another thing, my mothers house has only carpet on the floors. I cannot stand the smell of dog urine. I have cleaned and sprayed smelly stuff, opened windows even though its cold outside, and lit candles. Nothing can get rid of the dog urine stench in carpet. 
My rant will continue with the fact that their is dog hair all over everything. Their is dog hair on the towels in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on the beds, and pillows. Its everywhere! I feel nasty as soon as I step out of the bath tub. I have no idea how I had not noticed how disgusting it was until recently. 

I honestly don't know how other people can live like this. I need cleanliness to survive. I can not wait for my mom to return home so I can finally sleep somewhere clean and urine smell free!! 

Friday, March 19, 2010


I sit alone on a swing in the cool March air, reading a book I can't  seem to stay focused on. I have re-read the same page a hundred times I think, I glance down the drive as I stretch out my legs feeling the pull of my aching muscles. A breeze catches my hair and pulls the locks across my face.  I have never felt this anxious to see someone before.

While I wait I focus on the trees as they move in the wind. Now that the weather is beginning to warm and winter is ending I think ahead to the summer months just around the corner. I am hoping for the kind of summer that is remembered forever. The kind of summer that is full of love and happiness. Where some of the best memories can be made. 

I hear the gravel begin to crunch under the weight of truck tires. I turn my head to see the one thing I had missed all day coming up the drive. It feels like butterflies are going crazy in my stomach. I squint my eyes in the sun as he begins to walk toward me with that goofy smile on his face. I can't help but to smile back. I stand slowly as the wind picks up speed, he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me tightly against him. I love this feeling most of all, its one of the reasons I can't wait to see him again. I look up into his gentle blue eyes, seeing the love I feel in my heart echoed there. 

As we turn to sit together on the swing, he puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side. I feel so safe and wanted I pray this will never end. The warm sunshine sends chills down my body. As he leans down to kiss me and tell me he loves me, I think to myself how lucky I am to be here in this moment and be loved by him.  

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

An Every Day Miracle

I feel the sands softness between my toes as I walk ever so delicately along the shore. I hear the whispers of the oceans waves as the water rolls in and out from between my toes. I can see my foot prints behind me only for a moment before the sea washes them away, as if I had never walked there. 
The light breeze across my shoulders is so sweet and gentle, like a lovers hand brushing along my back lulling me into its embrace. I wrap my arms around myself and close my eyes feeling the power of the ocean as it pulls and lets go. I can almost sway to its rhythm like a branch caught in the wind. The water then rushes more violently against my legs, causing me to stagger for a brief second. 
 Finally I open my eyes and turn to look upon the vast openness that is the sea. The sun is setting slowly out of sight. This is breath taking, I wish I could freeze that moment in time. Its so glorious. The sun seeming to disappear into the oceans depths along with a mixture of deep reds and oranges intertwined. Its so lovely, I long to be a part of this miracle.
When the ocean eventually swallows up the sun to leave only darkness. I begin to move along the shore again looking ahead seeing only the beaches long shore and thinking to myself, God is truly great.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ravaged by Wolves

Darkness falls too quickly for me now, since I selfishly wish for night to come. Its so mysterious and enticing, I could see myself getting lost in its depth. The recent phenomenon of vampires and wolves has sparked my interest and brought out my darker side, I mean how exciting would it be to live a life that completely revolves around the night.

Night for me used to mean sadness since only then was I left alone with my thoughts. Now its more of a peaceful time, when everything begins to slow down to eventually become nothing but stillness.  I can be alone without any one person butting into my life. What is it about night fall that scares and entices people? Is it because you can't see what's all around you or just the simple fact that we were programmed to believe night is when evil comes alive?

I love the night how serene it feels just to sit and hear silence. It has never frightened me, even as a kid I enjoyed sitting in the barn behind my house  listening to all the different sounds. What if I could be something so dark and terrifying inside that I could only be my true self in moments when my world is dark?

For example a werewolf, who is part human part wolf. The legend of werewolves is that they can only change under the light of a full moon. If I had this secret inside that only could be made true under a full moon, I would feel tormented. In a way that's how I feel at this point in my life. I feel like I am trapped in my own skin. Tormented by what it would mean to show others my true self. What would it mean if I bucked against the morals my family has worked so hard to instill in me? Would I, for instance be thrown to the wolves? An outcast? All these are questions I am asking myself at this point in my life.

All I can do is enjoy the peacefulness of the night when it arrives, where nothing can disturb my dreams. Although I would like to have a reason to feel trapped like werewolves do, I unfortunately am just human. A human that makes mistakes. I just hope I make the right decisions for myself each and every time that sun comes up to wake me from my silent night and force the decisions brought on by the next day.

Monday, March 15, 2010

If Walls Could Talk....

I was born in Knoxville, Tennessee on November 2, 1989. I lived with my mom on a little back road out in the middle of nowhere. Growing up the first place I remember living was in a single wide trailer on the land my grandparents allowed my mom to inhabit. It was small but just enough for me and my mother. We eventually did a trailer upgrade and somehow acquired a brand new double wide, which was really nice. At this time my little brother, Wayne had joined our little family, so I was so excited I finally had my own room. This spacious double wide is where most of my childhood memories were made.

This past week I went back home for spring break. The trailer is now up for sale and Saturday night I spent my last night there. As I lay there on a blow up mattress in the room that used to be my mothers, I began to think of all those times I had in that room. I tried to remember the good times although I found myself thinking more of the bad. In that moment I thought, if these walls could talk would the people coming to look and possibly buy still consider living here?

Imagine for a second that you are looking for a house and instead of the cheesy realtor talking about all the space and blah, blah, blah, the walls instead told the story of previous owners. If the walls at my old home could talk it may say something like this...

The couple walks into the bedroom to the right of the hall in the back part of the house, as they step into the room they begin to hear a story. The story of a little girl and her younger brother. It takes the couple back to a cold winters night, where two little kids are hoping for something special to happen. It's Christmas Eve and the little boy had snuck into his sisters room. They are laying in the bed whispering waiting to hear Santa's arrival. They smile at each other as they talk about what kind of gifts they will receive, how they can't wait to see their mom's face when she opens her gift they had worked so hard to make. The children then drift of to sleep holding hands. As the walls finish the memory the couple moves into the kitchen to hear another story of how when it was cold in the mornings before school the kids would sit facing each other on the air vents, giggling and watching their mother make coffee.

Although the experience for this couple would not be as pleasant if the walls had chosen to speak of other memories that took place throughout my life. I still feel sad when I think of the trailer being sold. It was my home and regardless of the bad memories, they were still my memories and apart of my life. My grandmother says I have to let it go and move on. I know she is right but a part of me doesn't want to see it go. I wonder who will live there and the kind of memories they will make.

Since I had always dreamed of building a house in the woods where I played its harder for me to let go, but now I'm trying to move on and change my dreams. The trailer will be sold in less than 6 months according to my grandfather so I have to let it go even if I'm not ready. I just pray the people that move there make good memories and give the walls something good to remember. :-)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Painted Black

Today is the day! The day I get the tattoo I have dreamed of for years. I'm so excited I even dreamed about it last night. For me tattoo's are beautiful and can be works of art if done correctly. Of course I have my fears and doubts about this one, considering its not the smallest tattoo in the world, but if its done right I will be so thrilled.

The tattoo is a gorgeous mixture of my personality. A work with of course my favorite flower, a daisy, along with the treble clef, to remember my high school days and love for music. I am also going to have a string of stars, since I am always dreaming. The newest addition is a leukemia awareness ribbon.

My ex has been battling leukemia since last June, and two months ago this disease almost took his life. I lived at the hospital for four months by his side day and night. The hospital setting really took a toll on me as a person. I saw pain and despair everyday. I try to be a optimistic person generally, so I did the best I could to keep his spirits up. Of course this failed. In the beginning it was easy to push all the sadness away but after awhile it consumes you.

That experience opened my eyes to a whole new world. Cancer is everywhere. It has touched so many lives and destroyed so much. It is so unexplained and interesting. Billy's cancer, when first diagnosed was found by him going into the doctor with pains in his upper back. Within two weeks he had lost all feeling in his legs. The CT showed a mass growing between his shoulder blades. This mass baffled doctors for almost a month.

I remember the day the doctor came in the room to tell us what they had found. I held Billy's hand praying they would say it was a non-malignant tumor. As he begin to speak it was bad news. Not only was it bad news it was terrible news. They had never seen this type of species of leukemia. They kept calling him a special case. I now hate the word special.

So, they began a series of different treatments trying to find something that worked, but the cancer was winning. Billy's case was special because he is a young healthy twenty year old male. The kind of cancer he obtained was only found in small children and elders. Also this form of leukemia when finally diagnosed mutated in a matter of months from Chronic Mylogenous Leukemia to Acute Lymphatic Leukemia. This meant Billy was in what they called a blast cell crisis. He was fighting for his life. He was hospitalized and given some of the worst doses of Chemotherapy imagined. I remember one they brought in called "the red dragon". The nurses were covered head to toe in coats and gloves to their arm pits. When I asked why they had to take such extreme measures they told us that if any of the liquid were to hit someones skin or the floor it would burn through. Keep in mind this drug was being put into Billy's port that led directly to his heart and into his blood. Then they proceed to tell us the risks involved with this "red dragon". They said their have been cases where people have went insane while on the drug, but don't worry the nurse says, its very rare for this to happen. I was floored and terrified for Billy. I couldn't even imagine how he felt in that moment.

During my time on the cancer floor at UT Hospital, I realized that cancer is something to be recognized. I am so proud not only of Billy but all the other survivors. This phenomenon is a scary reality. We are living in a scary world that equals an even scarier truth. Life is precious and it can be taken away at any moment. No matter what your story is life can never be so bad that you want to give up its amazing gift.

Tough Love

I stand alone and torn in the middle of a room, you tower over me and scold my innocence. I feel myself shrinking before you. You seem so cool, calm, and menacing. I can feel what's coming next to the core of my heart. You begin with a string of insults directed at me and my already broken ego. I think back and try to remember what I have done to make you so angry with me.

You begin to come closer grabbing my arms roughly and begin to shake me. Its as if you are trying to shake off whatever it is about me that disgusts you so. I feel the tears in my throat as the burning in my heart increases, I fight back the tears knowing that only makes you all the more angry. I close my eyes and see darkness, I try to drown out your voice and the smell of liquor on your breath as you scream in my face.

You begin to step back, its as if everything begins to slow. I can feel your anger and the sweat as it rolls down my back. I freeze and brace myself as your hand raises behind you. Then in an instant I hear silence. I crumple to the floor, knowing this satisfies you.

Sweet silence. You walk away leaving only pain in your wake. As I pick myself up I think to myself more determined that ever, I will do better tomorrow Mommy, just wait, you will see.