I have been trying to write about something every weekday but today I haven't much inspiration. A suggestion was made that I write about something that makes me happy, meaning all my other posts are unhappy I guess. So hear it goes......
In some of my past blogs I wrote about things that took place in the past, my past wasn't always happy. I didn't see as many smiles as I do today now that I am trying to in some ways to grow up. Independence has always been my goal. My dream was to become a successful individual, meet a handsome well rounded guy, get married, build my fantasy house, and have me some babies. That's probably not a very uncommon dream. Many young girls raised in Tennessee hope for this sort of future life. Although some seem to skip the part about being successful as their own person from the start. I however have that particular goal as number one on my list. I swore to myself awhile back that I would never, ever have to depend on a man for anything. I wanted my life to be stable without the help of the opposite sex. This was before I realized that underneath my hard, independent woman persona, I actually wanted what most girls growing up in the south want. A man who will love me, whisk me away to marry and take care of me.
I try so hard to keep that hidden wish inside locked away. In a way it's a wall I put up to avoid getting hurt. I have been hurt by almost every man that has ever stepped foot into my life. But now I am starting to feel that wall break down. I find myself wanting to allow someone in. This feeling is so strange to me, in the past I can put somewhat of a mask on in front of men who try to get to know me. I don't know how other women feel but men scare the shit out of me. They can get into your head and your heart so easily, then turn and pull you apart inside.
But back to what makes me happy, right now in my life I have found something or better yet someone who makes me happy. Not my fake persona happy but inside for the first time in quite awhile I feel happy. A feeling and experience I never wanted to find with a man. I am terrified. I want to let myself be happy but I keep thinking in the back of my head, what if? He, however, makes me want to let down my walls and finally let someone in. Let him in, but with what cost?
I have begun to recently reevaluate my life:
I read a quote the other day by Helen Keller. She said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." I don't want my life to be nothing. I want to be adventurous and free like I wanted to be when I was young. My reevaluation has made me realize that the way I had decided to live my life, was not living. It was hiding from it. I was just a scared individual afraid of someone hurting me. My past is my past. I need to live life not live in fear of it. It seems fear is my weakness and it is a weakness I intend to overcome. Ha ha. I feel like I am giving myself a pep talk in some way. I don't want someone to say, "hey what makes you happy", and me have no idea what that is. That question today sparked something inside me. I just hope I can beat this and allow people into my life because if I don't I will lose that dream. I will ultimately become a lonely independent woman with nothing but her dogs. :-(