The Spirit of a Child

Lately I've been working for a summer program at a local Elementary School. I was so happy at the amount of enjoyment I have begun to experience. I have always known since I was a little girl that I wanted to work with kids. I used to play teacher in my Meme's laundry room. I admit as well I played with baby dolls. Anyway, my passion has always been to work in some field where I would be surrounded by children. After these past couple of weeks I have realized even more how much working with youth means to me. Its sort of like they bring a light into my heart. When I'm with them all the problems in my life seem to dissipate.

The group of kids I spent last week with were amazing. They begun to amuse me by saying I talked in a western style, haha, then once I explained where I was from they started calling me Tennessee girl. I smiled and laughed a lot. They always said the funniest things. I am sad that it's over but it really got me thinking about where I want to work once I finish college. Right now I'm stuck between a dental hygienist working in pediatrics, a respiratory therapist in peds, and a elementary school teacher. I know those seem all very different but they are all jobs I think I might enjoy. I hate not knowing what to choose. I wish I could see into the future and know if my choices were the correct ones. Only time will tell I guess!

The Door Leads to Nothingness....

Floating

Light pours over her closed eyes causing her to winch from the pain of it. Eyes tired from lack of sleep glide open and stare at the new day through blinds on a hospital window. Her already sore body moves out of the uncomfortable position it had been in, sitting up slowly, the broken chair slides almost dumping her on the floor. The smell of hospital food and vomit feels her nostrils. She see's the sleeping figure beside her and wrenches her hand from his, moving it to get back some feeling in its numb fingers. While doing this one of the many doctors strolls in with his charts and wakes the sleeping patient. They all look the same. A nonchalant face means bad news.

After the doctor leaves chaos breaks out in the cramped hospital room. Her heart aches for him and she reaches out to touch his hand, in which at that moment he turns on her, "This is your fault! Why did you not wake me up so I could be more prepared, I'm sick of this!" With that being screamed at her, he then becomes irritated at the hair falling on his neck. This sends him into a fit all its own. Crying and screaming, pulling out his hair in the hand fulls. She wants so badly to know what to do, how to ease his pain, but nothing she can think of will change this.

He finally gives in and allows his head to be shaved. He tells her he feels like an alien and begins avoiding the mirrors.  She begins to feel trapped and alone, helpless to how things will end up. She walks down the long corridor to the restroom at the end, her only place to be alone, and cries. Inside she feels like screaming and throwing a fit of her own but with what purpose?

The days begin to run together, she asked him again if she can go home for a little while with only the same response, "Do you want to leave me? Please, don't go." She can not leave without causing him more pain. She thinks of herself as only floating by, nothing makes much sense anymore, everything is dull. The sickness he is experiencing only worsens along with his moods and attitude towards others. She tries to make things light and enjoyable in the moments when things seem better but he only gets angrier. So, yet again the word floating comes to her mind. She will just float along and hope for a break. One small break, her chance to be set free.

Letting Go

I have spent the majority of my dating life in a serious relationship. This last relationship has really been a tough one to go through, I was with my ex for 3 years this past Christmas and in June of last year he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Two weeks before he was diagnosed I had broken up with him for the hundreth time it seemed, in hopes of finding myself and scrounging up the strength to move on. However the cancer was a shock and he was immediately rushed into surgery to remove the tumor in his spine. He called me as soon as he heard from the hospital.

Let me go back. I was attending summer classes at the time he was diagnosed and was on the fast track to a two year pre-dental hygiene associates degree. When I got the call I was about to take my first exam of the Anatomy and physiology II class. I had just completed the first of that class and was looking forward to getting it done. My ex changed everything. From the minute he called me begging me to come to the hospital I was scared. I finished my test as quickly as I could and drove like a bat out of hell to get to his side. Let me remind you I was still a very confused 19 year old, getting herself into something that was way over her head. Little did I know that I would end up spending 6 months at his beck and call, doing whatever I could to help him fight this terrible disease. I ended up dropping out of the Anatomy and Physiology course that summer to be with my ex during his time of need. It put me behind.

I had always tried to be an upbeat, outgoing, funny girl, but this situation took its toll on me as a person. I love my ex and am the kind of person that if I care for someone I will do whatever it takes to help them in any situation. That's what I did. I devoted myself to getting him better. I blamed myself and thought maybe if I would have stayed with him this wouldn't of happened. In my past bad things always seemed to find me whenever I tried being completely selfish. So I did whatever was asked of me. I lived at UT hospital. I gave him baths, helped him use the bathroom when he couldn't clean himself up, took his insults, and slept night after night in an uncomfortable hospital chair. He was going through something horrible and I had to or at least I felt I had to. I just wanted him to get better. I would lay in that chair at night and wish as hard as I could that it would all go away for him. He was only 20 years old, he shouldn't be dealing with this sort of thing. I prayed and asked God what to do.

When no answers came I began to experience a sense of hopelessness. A depression took hold of me. I didn't enjoy life anymore, I felt alone and betrayed. I had no way out, so thoughts of suicide started to creep in like a disease. I just wanted the pain I felt for my ex and the sadness all around me to disapear.

The beginning of that summer in May, before my ex was ill with cancer, I had went to visit my mom in Indiana. She recently had moved there to be with her new husband. My little brother moved with her so I was excited for a little vacation. While there I quickly realized how boring this little bitty town could be. I was desperate for someone my age to hang out with. Long story short I was introduced to a country cowboy. Ha, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would meet a cowboy in the North. Anyway he worked with my step-dad and had offered to show me how to drive a stick. A friendship bloomed.

Truth be told he was the only thing that kept me from committing suicide on several occasions. I would decide to just give up and my phone would light up with a message from the cowboy I met. Giving me hope and making me laugh. He saved me in so many ways. I never wanted to hurt my ex or lie to him. I felt trapped in the twisted relationship we had. I was sick over it. I felt like a horrible person for falling for someone else while my ex lay in a hospital bed fighting a disease that was overtaking his body. I fought so hard to keep my feelings away for the cowboy. I even told him to leave me alone numerous times. I didn't want to hurt my ex in any way. I felt I would be hurting  him more, and for some reason he didn't want to let me go. So I let him hold on.

Eventually I continued talking to the cowboy yet again because that feeling of hoplessness kept taking over. He was the only thing that kept me out of that dark hole. I fell for him after telling my ex I still felt the same way I did before he got sick. We broke up but he still wanted me at the hospital. I stayed for two more months before finally making a decision for myself. I needed out, I was sad all the time and my depression was only getting worse. When the clouds lifted after christmas I took it as my chance to leave. I decided to go visit my mom and get away, in my mind thinking I had to get away for my own health. The entire time I drove away from that hospital I cried. I cried for my ex, I cried for every person I had met going through such a horrible time in there lives, I cried for myself and the person I was becoming, and I cried for my lost faith in God.

I was even more confused than I had ever been. Indiana was my way out. The only way I could think of to get myself out of the situation I found myself in. So I ran.

This past weekend I finally told my ex that I was seeing someone else. He didn't take it so well and that broke my heart. I hate hurting other people, especially someone going through what he is. I now find myself at another cross road. I'm still unsure what my decisions will do for my future but all I can do is try, try to find myself and let go of my past. He told me I was a bad person for what I did to him and that cut me to the core. All the things I did for him that hurt me during those three years meant nothing. I still feel hurt when I look back on what I did and all I gave up. I tried to be a good person. I pray for my ex every day and hope with all my heart that he beats cancer. I know I couldn't do it for him. You may think of me as a bad person, and many do. But I did what was best for myself and there was no shame in that. I want to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted.

I guess this blog is just a way for me to get out the feelings I have after the hurtful things my ex said to me this weekend. We all deserve happiness and that sometimes comes after hurting someone else. Life is not an easy thing.

Laura J. Watkins Photography

F*ck College!

I really need to vent right now so this post will be dedicated to all the freaking idiot professor's out there who are spending their time as teachers making students lives a living hell! I have been in college for two years now after this semester, which is ending in the next couple of weeks. In that time I have dealt with every kind of professor. I have experienced the horny, moody, whiny, and hilarious. The one I want to refer to however, is the moody! How is it that you can be a teacher and do things just to have the intentions of making things all the more harder on the student? It is not enough that you made the statement already of how you do not believe in giving A's. Who says that? If I deserve a f**king A, I better receive that grade!

So to explain what caused this little tangent, I first had to define the sort of professor I was dealing with. Today I devoted my time to completing a history paper that I though was to be wrote on the Cold War. Well let's just say I was wrong. The topic was instead supposed to be on the "New World Order". I had just spent the majority of my day writing a paper on the wrong damn topic. This paper I should add is due at midnight. Alright, if that wasn't enough I then begin to write about the new topic (stressing out the whole time mind you), I get quite excited because I realize it has to do with a lot of the conspiracy theories surrounding the government taking complete control of the American people. I am writing and realizing happily that at the rate I'm going I will be able to finish.

I do finish with two in a half hours to spare! I then start to review my paper, making corrections and cleaning up the rough draft. While doing this I always review what the professor wanted out of the paper. This is when my night takes another devastating turn. I find an email saying how my a**hole professor wants nothing to do with conspiracy theories in the paper (let's just say at this point, I lower my head and say obscene things under my breath). Being the trooper that I am, I compose myself and begin searching for something else I could write about in the amount of time I have left. I work my little butt off and right at 11:30 I believe I have it finished! I review again and then I see a new email flashing, I click and read this --

Students,
I have had several 'freaking out' emails over the past few days so I am going to extend the due date for the DWO paper to the 18th. This will allow everyone a few more days to complete or edit their papers.


To put it nicely I get so pissed at this point I want to step outside and scream at the top of my lungs! I would have never thought that the one time I don't think he will give me a break, he does. So to conclude this rant I say, "F*CK YOU COLLEGE!!"

Protestors against Homosexuality Paper

I wrote this paper for my sociology class and thought I would share it with you guys and get your opinion on the matter.

The recent news of a small Kansas church group protesting at United States service member’s funerals has brought nationwide attention recently. The members of Topeka-based Westboro Baptist Church believe that God is punishing the United States for “the sin of homosexuality” through events such as soldiers’ deaths. The members have been known to be loud and extremely offensive to the grieving family members near memorial services and burials. CNN News Supreme Court Producer wrote of the members displaying homemade signs saying things such as, “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and “God Blew Up the Troops.” This is an extreme way of these individuals taking social action. They truly believe that by protesting homosexuality at these events that it will change the way American’s look at the rights of Gay individuals. By them making such statements as, “America is Doomed” and “God hates fags”, they are sending a huge message to other religious people who are against homosexuality saying that this violent action is the right way to express their beliefs. The news has shown more attention to the protesters acts at military funerals but this group has also been known to picket gay churches and gay weddings. These protests are one in a sea of many throughout America against the Gay community.

Since this has to do with religious beliefs it can have a huge effect on society. Since religion creates social solidarity the values, rules, and norms are set by this experience and gives different cultures the basis for how there world works. For some reason these individuals believe God is punishing them for allowing homosexuality into our world and ultimately our culture. Since all of us try to understand the world and what are parts are in it, religion plays a big part in that understanding. Since the United States is still largely a religious country, people are looking for guidance within a church community. The members of this radical church group are speaking out and gaining followers. They are traveling throughout the country and participating in hundreds of protest to; as they say to demonstrate their freedom of speech. But where is the line drawn between privacy rights for grieving families and the free rights of demonstrators? Even with their provocative and disturbing messages the courts aren’t sure who has more of a right.

The message these members are sending into society has created a mass of outraged citizens. In result of the story about the protesters harassing military families a volunteer group has formed called the “Patriot Guard Riders”, this group of more than 400 motorcycle riders showed up to make certain that the funeral of Sgt. Jessie Davila was not overshadowed by the protesters. Davila’s mother spoke out about the protesters saying that these individuals were, “killing the American Dream – they won’t be around very long, because nobody’s going to let them.” Kansas City News reported another mourner speaking out at a funeral being protested making the statement that, “They shouldn’t protest the funeral for a man who was out there dying to protect the rights that they’re demanding they receive.”

The act of dishonoring American Soldiers funerals in regards to homosexuality has astounded many Americans. It seems this group’s radical message and choice of where to protest is causing and outrage in American society. People are coming together to stand up against these protesters and stop the harassment of military families. No matter what their message may be, the members of this Church are possibly causing a big change in many societies nationwide, more than a dozen states are now considering passing laws that would prohibit protesting at funerals.

These protestors are trying to change the way society looks at homosexuality, trying to change what’s already begun to change in respect to the gay communities in America. Society is beginning to accept these individuals and give them the rights they deserve. The movement to stop homosexuality is ridiculous. America is changing, and what these protesters do not realize is that we will protect each other. For some reason this religious organization believes God is punishing America for allowing homosexuals to have rights, this movement is so familiar to that of the civil rights movement it’s scary. A large part of the country is fighting to keep gays from having rights in society and another large part is fighting to allow them that right. The Gay Rights Movement is just another change in the face of society. To be a free country we have to allow individuals the right to be free to make their own choices, no matter what our personal beliefs.

Links to the WebSites referred to...


http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/03/08/homosexuality.protest/index.html

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/06/btsc.lavandrera.funerals/index.html

http://www.kmbc.com/news/4816699/detail.html